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Following A Villain!

Snack Time


“Hey, what are you doing here? What’s that?” BANG! The guard hit the ground as I strode in. An alarm sounded as I marched forward while trying to avoid the quickly expanding pool of blood on the floor. The building was mostly empty at this time of night with only a skeleton crew of guards between me and my prize. I tossed a small pile of money and valuables onto the corpse and headed up the stairs to the second floor of the museum.

‘My name is Nick, no you don’t need to know my last name. We’ll save that for when the police are complaining about my lack of co-operation later on. For now, you can call me Nick, of course you won’t and I don’t really care because you, the reader, are equivalent to nothing more than voices in my head. That’s right I can hear you out there as you shuffle around looking for the creeper watching you as you read this. Please! How vain are? No one gives a crap about you! Sure, that sounds mean but the truth is you’re probably someone with a mediocre life, job and dreams. You probably try your best to be a good and upstanding member of society? Well congrats, if I had some gum to give you I’d tell you to go curl up in the corner in the fetal position chewing and trying very hard to make me forget people like you even exist.

As you may have guessed I’m a villain and everything you’re not, basically I’m better than you. “But you just killed someone in cold blood? How does that make you better?” is that what you were thinking? Well from my perspective I didn’t kill anyone. Sure, I shot that guard and he or she, I wasn’t really paying attention, is probably dead but they were in my way. Besides, I left them, their family, their pet or whatever a nice thank you for being so easily silenced.’

I reached the top of the stairs only to have a flashlight shoved in my face, blinding me as a woman’s voice screech “FREEZE!”. I lash out with my left, free hand and punch her right in the face. She crumples like a sack of trash and falls backwards. I continue towards my anticipated prize unhindered by….

‘Sigh. Really? Are you really complaining about how I treated the guard I knew to be a woman?’

‘Fine! Wait here…’ I dropped my bag and march back to the corpse and heave the unconscious guard over the railing to a satisfying crunch as she hits the floor several meters below. I toss some wads of cash down to her and head back to retrieve my precious earning of the evening and continue on. ‘What? She’s dead now too stop whining or this story is going to take forever.’

I walk into the a one of the exhibit rooms filled with various greek sculptures and statues, and pottery. ‘Thank goodness, its about time, here hold my bag’ it clangs to floor as I glance from the invisible reader that is you to the bag and back. ‘See! You really are useless now wait here for a minute’ I abandon you to head over to one of the larger pieces of pottery undoing my belt.

Moments later I return to grab my bag, because we both know you weren’t going to, you interdimensional snob, and I head off towards my prize. So many gloriously expensive artifacts just lying around for the plucking but only one is worth my time and energy. I exit the exhibit and am finally in sight of the most beautiful piece in this whole building. The guides are already here even this early and they stand in fear of my awesome presence and I march straight up to them with a well practiced villainous sneer on my face. ‘Now pay attention, this is what a real villain looks like.’

I throw my bag of swag onto the counter that separates me from the two beautiful guides cowering in their white garbs. “Excuse me,” I begin as politely as possible, “are the cinnamon buns ready yet?”

They share a confuse look as one nods and stutters, “Ye-ye-yes, we j-j-just took them o-o-out ten minutes ago.” Their reflections gleaming off the stainless-steel counter of the cafeteria.

“But we don’t open for another three hours, sir?” choked the other, looking for a guard to come help them.

“I am well aware of that, thank you, but as I have gone out of my way to procure suitable payment for this early hour so I might enjoy these delicious treats while they are fresh; perhaps you can see your way to selling me a couple all the same?”

The two glanced at one another and shrugged nervously, then quickly packaged up my snacks in nice to-go containers, even including extra icing. “Um, have a good day sir?” one said as the other elbowed him in the ribs and they both smiled nervously as I gathered up the treats.

“Same to you my friends!” with that I spun on my heel and skipped towards a table that overlooked the street below, leaving my servers to alter the color of their uniforms below the waist. The cinnamon bun melted gloriously on my tongue as I relaxed for the first time in days. As I watched and enjoyed my comfort food, the road below was steadily illuminated by a variety of red, blue, and white. I had about twenty-two minutes before they got around to dealing with me.

‘I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m moping in a museum cafeteria?’ Again, I await an answer from my less than helpful audience. ‘Whatever, anyway let’s just say that yesterday was a very bad day and that I wanted something to help me relax.’ I peel another layer off the delicious tape designed dessert and dip it in the extra icing. I really should have gotten a drink, but glancing over my shoulder I can see that the attendants in white had scurried away without even taking the time to process my payment. ‘What is it with people today? Everyone is so apathetic and lazy, but I’m sure you’re the exception?’ I say to you sarcastically.

I try my best to ignore the questioning and indignant glares you seem to be shooting me. ‘Fine!’ I say slamming my fist on the table to a squeak somewhere in the cafeteria. ‘I’ll answer your stupid question! You couldn’t even let me enjoy five minutes of glorious cinnamony goodness.’ I take a moment to compose my story and finish another ring of the bun.

I sighed, ‘Alright, so as you’ve probably figured out I’m a villain… well as close as anyone can be in this boring reality. Hopefully your reality is more entertaining, people with superpowers, mythical monsters, ghosts, angels, demons, or even advanced technology or something.’ I chuckle slightly at the thought. ‘Sorry, who am I kidding, your reality is probably just as boring as mine, you probably sit at home watching television or reading random nonsense on the internet!’ *wink*wink*, *nudge*nudge*

‘Anyway, yesterday something terrible happened, someone died!… What? Oh! No not like the guards, I mean someone important! My old mentor who taught me how to be a villain was violently murdered when someone blew up their home, my home!’ a tear rolled down my cheek. ‘I know what you’re thinking and you’re right! This hurt more than anything I’ve ever known, I mean I was only a week away from killing her myself and I would have done it with more class. An explosion? Who uses an explosion to kill one person? That’s what knives, poisons, traps, sniper rifles and anvils are for!’

I hear glass break somewhere in the museum as I await the inevitable, I have about twelve minutes while they inspect all the exhibits.  They never start with the cafeteria for some reason, preferring to trudge through all the junk in the other rooms. I open up the second cinnamon bun and begin tearing it to pieces as I devour its sweet flesh.

‘Stricken with grief at having my revered mentor shuffled from this mortal coil a whole week early and more importantly at having my plans to kill her so uselessly shattered. I became depressed and slaughtered a gang that hung out in the area assuming they were responsible. To my dismay no matter how many bones I broke or tendons I slit they wouldn’t tell me who had taken my opportunity from me. Don’t look at me like that! They were scum and besides after I ripped the life from the last of them I began to suspect they didn’t actually know who was responsible. That’s when I decided to rob the bank across the street and get some snacks while I planned my next move.’

“FREEZE!” screamed a dozen voices as I found myself encircled by a small army of police officers.

I sighed and raised my hands, “I’m afraid that’s impossible unless you drop the temperature substantially.” The officers all groaned somewhat at this and the lead officer marched forward cuffing my hands behind my back.

“That’s enough out of you Nicolas Umbras, you have the right to remain to silent! Anything you say or…” I dropped the recently cuffed hand cuffs in his hands cutting him off.

“Relax officer!” I said reassuringly “If I had any intention of running than you wouldn’t have caught me, excuse me a moment!” I walked back over to the cafeteria counter as the sound of dozens of guns came to bear on me. I grabbed another cinnamon bun from the tray and taking a big gooey bite before anyone could complain, I swallowed and said “Okay, let’s go!” as I heading to the exit and the waiting police car as a group of confused officers followed in toe.

As I reached the vehicles out front I handed my cinnamon but to the officer following me as I glare in your direction. “I’ve learned not to trust you with my things you voyeuristic pervert.” I spat as the officer followed my gaze to the empty air where I perceived you.

“Who are you talking to?” the officer inquired cautiously.

I sighed realizing I had shared our discussion out loud unintentionally. “I’m schizophrenic,” I countered, “I was talking to one of the many voices in my head.” The cop stared at me in nervous disbelief. “Oh, who cares what you think! I’m a villain we have issues!” I scolded snapping him out of his daze as the man blushed from being treated like the child he was.

I allowed myself to be ushered into the back seat of a cruiser as they cuffed me again. ‘I know, I know! What kind of villain gets captured so easily? Well I need answers and the only way to get them is from criminals. Of course what better place to find a large group of criminals to persuade to talk, without scouring an entire city that is, than the local penitentiary!’ and with that I prepared myself to be incarcerated so I might avenge my ruined plans… oh and my dead mentor too!



Thanks for reading… whatever this was? Hope you enjoyed it and please comment either here or on my facebook page if you would like to hear more of Nicolas Umbra.


J.S. Figment

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