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Why is the Toilet Paper on Fire VI

6. Probation

“Not again.” Muttered Octavia, as she kicked at a lump of dirt on floor of her cell. A giant blood thirsty wolf happily devoured the watermelon heads of scarecrows in the corner and leaving there beaten and straw-filled carcases strewn about the floor. Octavia watched the waheela wag her giant tail as hit slurped, “That’s right girl, show those fake farmers who’s boss!” she shouted, to which the giant puppy panted and wagged ecstatically glancing back at Octavia.

“Could be worse.” Said Tinder from his full body restraints “At least no one died!” Octavia shot him an angry glare, to which he cleared his throat then went back to trying to melt his way to freedom.

“Why do I listen to you?” Octavia shot as Tinder pretended not to hear her as he enacted his escape plan for them. She stared ahead at the bars and sighed. “All I had to do was wait for a senior agent to show before trying to take on a wild waheela but no! Instead, as always I go charging in with my partner!” she complained waving a hand half-heartedly at the small lizard who was still spitting streams of fire at the metal constraints on his limbs. “What do you think fluffy?” she moaned at the adjacent cell. The waheela had gotten to her feet and was scraping up the straw corpses into an empty corner before squatting down to relieve herself on her brainless enemies. “Yep!” said Octavia raising an eyebrow in mild shock “That sums things up nicely” then leaned back against the wall to resume her bored pouting.

“I hope you’re enjoying our hospitality Ms. Maurelle” said a grey-suited man as he entered the holding area. “Of course, if you don’t have an excellent explanation for your behaviour than we can always arrange to make this a more permanent accommodation for you?”

Octavia rolled her eyes at the thinly veiled threat towards her freedom. “I already told you what happened!” she whined. “Tinder and I thought we could take on the giant furball by ourselves.” At being called a furball the waheela popped her head up and looked at the grey clad man. Then returned to feverishly kicking straw on top of a steaming present she had left the kind people who brought her the juicy victims. After watching the dog Octavia added, “In hindsight, we may have overthought our plan a bit.”

The grey man grabbed a folding chair and proceeded to clean it with a handkerchief before sitting down. “Please, enlighten me Ms. Maurelle.”

“I already told the people who arrested me all that!” Octavia countered defiantly from her mat in the cell. The grey man simply stared, waiting for her to continue. She flopped her arms to her side and whined “Fine! But you need to let Tinder loose first.”

At this Mr. Grey, as she had labelled him in her mind, sighed and snapped his fingers causing the lizard to plummet unceremoniously towards the ground where with a second snap from Mr. Grey a large terrarium appeared around before he could impact. Tinder let off a burst of fire intent on burning his way out of the glass prison only to blacken it along with his snout. “There you are Ms. Maurelle, now please continue.” He leaned back making himself comfortable with a barely noticeable, yet no less malevolent smile.

Octavia glanced more out of annoyance than fear from her caged companion to their interrogator. “Well, after we got to the location, Tinder and I quickly created a plan to trap and ensnare the giant wolf next door.”

“Are you referring to the incident with the birthday clown?” inquired Mr. Grey uncomfortably.

“No that came later” she replied ignoring his squirming. “No, our first attempt resulted in me dressing up in a female wolf costume and trying to howl seductively to lure the waheela into a pit trap we had built. I spent the first night in the cold northern forests trying to keep the shivers out of my howls as we waited to bag us a waheela and be back before I had to blow my cover.”

“I see,” said Mr. Grey with a sigh. “Let me guess, you ended up blowing your cover?” Octavia nodded sheepishly. “And you didn’t know that your friend there,” he gestured at the waheela who was rolling on the corpses of her victims “was in fact not a male or a lesbian for that matter?”

Octavia, Mr. Grey and Tinder, who had accepted his new accommodations bathing under a heat lamp, all glanced over at the furball who had proceeded to clean herself after rolling about. Her head popped up long enough to notice that everyone was staring at her then seemed to shrug it off and continue grooming her nether regions.

“Yeah I definitely made an assumption there.” Octavia said trying to hide her embarrassment. Mr. Grey waved permission for her to continue. She breathed deep, “Well after that we decided we needed some live bait so we put 5 chickens at the bottom of the pit. It probably would have worked except they attracted some other predators as well, including two bears, a cougar, a badger, various predatory birds and what was either a very tall mountain man without pants or big foot.”

“It wasn’t big foot.” shot Mr. Grey flatly.

“But he looked like big foot!” Octavia protested.

“Maybe, but Big Foot would have reported in your shenanigans if he had been there.” Mr. Grey had removed them for cleaning while he spoke. As he replaced them on the bridge of his nose he continued, “Where did the clown come in?”

“Wait?” Octavia said as she processed the latter statement, “Big Foot works for us?”

“Please Ms. Maurelle, I need to know how much you may have let slip to the clown you contracted for your bait.” Mr. Grey’s patient seemed to slowly fade from his voice as the interrogation continued.

“Okay, so basically I called the closest city and hired Mizzo the clown for a surprise party we were having outdoors. Tinder and I had set up an entire maze of traps out of determination. ‘Don’t you think this is overkill?’ he had asked but I had reassured him that I wasn’t risking my cover anymore than I already had at that point. Though in hindsight my job sucked anyway so I don’t know why I cared.” Octavia chuckled nervously as Mr. Grey frowned.

“Anyway,” she said before he could lecture her on the merits of hard work, “The clown reached the maze and proceeded inside, ‘Finally!’ I said as Tinder and I watched patiently for him to reach his mark. ‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this!’ Tinder had whined from my shoulder. At that moment I said the worst thing anyone can say…”

Mr. Grey held up a hand in a disheartening manner as he said, “Let me guess you said ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’”

Octavia blushed and shrugged sheepishly in acknowledgment, “After that, the clown reached the trap but from the wrong angle, triggering one of the leg holsters that whipped him into the air. That’s when our furry friend over there decided to make her entrance.”

Everyone looked at the wolf again to see that she was, in fact, fervently listening to the story now and her tail wagged enthusiastically at the sudden attention. “She was clever too!” said Octavia as she narrated their adventure further. “I have never seen a wolf, and I mean any wolf, that could scale the fifteen foot walls this maze had. Worst of all it didn’t even seem hard for her and if it weren’t for the quick thinking of me and Tinder that clown would be dead instead of just hospitalized.” She leaned back defiantly and muttered, “Ungrateful jester should be sending me a thank you letter.”

“I’m afraid I’m still a little fuzzy on the details Ms. Maurelle. Do you care to clarify how you managed to finally ensnare the waheela?” Mr. Grey was stern with a deadpan seriousness that would make an accountant feel like an emotional wreck.

“Oh right,” said Octavia slapping her forehead, “So the furball over there finally makes it to the clown, who is wetting himself at the sight of this huge monster about to bite his head off. She takes one big bite but misjudges where his head is, all she got was a colorful wig in her mouth. At this point Mizzo is freaking out and throwing everything he has at the beast to distract it. Finally, a rubber chicken sails from the clown’s hand and hits a rock behind the giant wolf with a huge SQUEAK!”

At the word squeak the waheela’s ears perked up and she looked around excitedly for a new mystery toy that they must have given her. Octavia pointed at her quickly and squealed through fits of laughter, “Just like that, she looked just like that when it hit!” Mr. Grey scowled as he grew impatient, “Ahem” Octavia coughed as she composed herself, “Needless to say she spun around and began playing with the rubber chicken like it was her new best friend. Squeezing it then barking as it squeeked in response. We quickly made are way down to the maze and I had Tinder cut down Mizzo who in his panic landed on his knocking himself unconscious on impact. He wasn’t a priority at the time so when we called an ambulance and lead the waheela towards the pickup site. With the squeaky toy in hand she would do whatever we said so it turned out to be really easy getting her into that cage.”

Octavia finished her tale and glared at Mr. Grey, “Satisfied? Now what I don’t understand is why I’m in jail next to that thing?” she pointed a finger at the beast who tried to lick it through the bars.

“You’re here,” Mr. Grey began as he stood from his chair, “because, quite frankly, you screwed up.” Octavia went to protest but he cut her off with another raised hand, “You left your cover without justifyable reason or preparations, you failed to properly research your target beforehand, which put innocent lives in danger as well as disrupted the local wildlife and drew unwarranted attention to your mission. I should be writing you up for this and having you attend to your damage control while supervised as punishement.”

“Yeah that works great, why don’t we do that?” Octavia said with excessive sarcasm.

“Unfortunately,” Mr. Grey continued as he ignored her outburst, “this isn’t your first offence, so we will be taking care of the cleanup. In the meantime you will stay in this cell until we can find you a probationary partner for you.”

“Probation? Partner?” Octavia asked as she began to see the severity of her situation. “You mean you’re assigning me a babysitter?!”

“Call it what you like but if you mess up one more time your mind will be erased, we will lobatomize part of your brain and I will personally see to it that you are stuck in that hell hole of a job for the rest of your days do I make myself clear?” Mr. Grey said these things with such force and certainty that not only Octavia but Tinder and the waheela nodded in unison frantically. “Good” he said with a smile as he headed towards the exit. “Oh, and one more thing,” he added with his hand on the door nob “that waheela is your responsibility now too, enjoy!” with that he exited leaving the three of them to stew in their prison.

Octavia turned to Tinder who had written ‘Ouch!’ on the side of his tank, “You said it buddy.” She moaned.

“I know, right? I thought he would never leave.” Octavia and Tinder both looked at one another realizing the voice had not come from the other. Turning to the cell next door they saw the waheela staring at them as she said, “Hi, my name is Lupe! What are your names? I’ve always wanted friends!” to which both Tinder and Octavia began to scream like little children.


To Be Continued….


Thanks for reading, another rush job I’m sorry but life continues it’s never ending progression which cuts into my writing time.


Hope you enjoyed and check back next week for a new adventure!


  1. S. Figment

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