When Grim Reapers Laugh
As I drove to work this morning, I saw some rather peculiar things. And I don’t mean guys walking around in thong bikinis in the middle of winter. No what I saw was a redneck in a truck weave in and out of traffic honking and flipping the bird at other vehicles. This wasn’t the peculiar bit however as I witness that behaviour every morning; no, the peculiar bit came after the truck drove straight into a traffic circle before screeching to a halt. The driver leapt out and proceeded to violently soil himself to death. I would have stopped but it seemed too surreal to be real and initially assumed it was some sort of protest.
Shortly after I came to a stop at a red light, an elderly lady was walking across the street when a lady dressed in a full fuchsia jogging suit pushed passed her knocking her to the ground. The old woman screamed at her but with headphones on and her smartphone blocking her view she didn’t notice. I was disgusted but soon was shocked when the woman in fuchsia turned without looking and walked directly into oncoming traffic. A fully loaded dump truck barely had time to honk before she did her best impression of a dragonfly on a truck’s grill.
The light changed and despite the gruesome incident all the vehicles continued as if nothing had happened. As we made it to the bridge, I saw a large kid holding a smaller child with a leg cast dangerously close to the edge of the railing. Just as I got close the bully’s foot slipped out from under them and landed on their side. It looked like a rough fall but became all the worse when the kid they had been dangling landed heavily on top of them. I heard the spine snap from in my car. I was relieved to find out that the bully didn’t die but did end up dead from the waist down.
Finally, just as I pulled into work, I saw the owner of our company get out of his vehicle and stroll towards the door. He was a cold heartless bastard and I cringed at just the thought of having to deal with him today. I watched as the manager walked up to him and began their brown-nosing routine. The owner smiled politely but took out his phone dropping it behind him clumsily as he did. He turned around and bent over to pick it up, revealing a crack that would embarrass a plumber. I sighed as I exited my vehicle and slammed my door. Just then a large icicle fell from the eves and impaled the still bent over owner right through the heart. The manager, in shock, went to assist the clearly dead man and received an unfortunate face-full of excrement as his bowels released.
The store closed for the day shortly after that, so on my way home I stopped by a senior’s home. They had just finished lunch and were about to start a game of bingo. I won forty dollars and gave it to the head nurses to buy them donuts or something. But more importantly I helped make others smile. As I was about to leave the old woman who had been knocked down this morning came and thanked me for stopping by personally. She said “Death’s minions have been in a strange mood today, they love their pranks you see, but they’re always happy to join in a laugh instead if the opportunity presents itself so thank you for entertaining us this afternoon.” With that she shuffled off and I headed home telling myself jokes all the way.