The Picnic that Never Was
“Hi I’m Melanie, now before we get started, I want you both to know that I’m only here to get the whole story, no judgement, all I ask is that you just be honest and open, okay?” the police therapist said as she sat down, getting out a bedazzled pen and notepad. Zed and Nat shared a disbelieving look, then through a series of eyebrow movements and head nods they decided Nat would go first.
She inhaled sharply then began, “So it’s like this, we were on our way to the get some Slurpee’s”
“I wanted a mix of grape and blue raspberry crush.” Zed added.
“We were dressed in our finest summer festival attire. When this giant sloth walks out onto the road and passed out right in front of us.” Nat said gesturing with her hands to show the size of it.
Melanie nods as she writes everything down, “…raspberry crush…” she mumbles. “So, then what happened?”
Zed grinned, “That’s when things got weird. You see we pulled up a side street and parked but there were these kids selling fresh limenade…”
“Wait? Limenade?” Melanie asked.
Nodding in unison the pair said, “Limenade”.
“Anyway,” Zed continued, “we bought a couple of glasses, but when we turned around…”
“The whole stand was gone!” Nat said dramatically.
Zed made spooky gestures with his hand well he whistled the twilight zone theme. “After that we walked up the street to the bank.”
“We didn’t know it was being robbed.” Nat emphasized.
“We walked right in and thought it was some kind of circus of savings event or something.” Zed said solemnly.
“I’m guessing it wasn’t a circus of savings?” Melanie asked. They both shook their heads.
“They thought we were part of the crew robbing the bank because of the bright clothes.” Nat deadpanned.
“They gave us guns” Zed mirrored.
“Anyway, we didn’t want to get shot so we just started filling our pockets with money when this guy in a pimp costume starts yelling.”
“It was pretty messed up”
Nat shuddered as she remembered, “I don’t think I’ll be able to ever look at big bird the same way again.”
“The pimp’s head…um…let’s call her assistant, confused Nat for a new…assistant and they started to fight.” Zed said tactfully.
“Yeah” Nat nodded, “so while they were trying to kill each other we broke a window and escaped.”
“But what does all this have to do with the ice cream shop?” Melanie asked.
“We were getting to that,” Zed said, “So after we got away, we were feeling pretty relieved. We just wanted to sit down and process things over, you guessed it, ice cream.”
“Except as soon as we got the ice cream some twelve-year-old girl genius breaks in, yelling about freeing the dairy. I think that little girl needed a hug or something.” Nat said with heartbroken pity.
“So, then we got locked in the freezer after she turned the owner into a bucket of disturbed looking gelato.” Zed continued.
“I see and then that’s when they found you with gelato owner and the stolen money.” Melanie said triumphantly.
They both shrugged, “Pretty much”
“Except for that zombie mouse we crushed under that birthday cake” Zed added.
“Oooh, and that batch of sugar-free pineapple gelato that tried to eat us.” said Nat.
“Oh and…” and so it went for hours as the two retold the tale of the picnic that never was.