Why I’ve been busy

So I know I’ve missed a couple weeks but I haven’t forgotten. Unfortunately due to life’s unexpected twists and turns I am now planning a move shortly to hopefully brighter opportunities. Anyway I just wanted to give a brief explanation about my recent absence and offer my apologies.

Thank you for sticking with my meandering nonsense and I hope to make it up to you all I the weeks to come with new material.

Take care and have a great day

Sincerely

J. S. Figment

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Guard Duty

“Hey Chuck! How goes the tedium?” asked the intimidating seven-foot-tall wall of muscle and genetic enhancements walking towards me.

“Oh, not too bad.” I shrugged, digging the gun strap deeper into my shoulder as I did. “Thought I saw a speck of dust move horizontally a few hours ago by that stack over there.” I pointed. “What about you Amy? I heard you were on the Chimera experimentation list?”

The hulking Amy slammed down in the chair next to me which protested the new weight with audible squeaking and groaning as the metal settled. “I’m always good man,” she chortled, “and yeah I was first one on the list but I’ll probably have to wait still until the boss is done testing it on those heroes who broke in last week.”

“Do you know what animal you want for the experiment yet?” I asked as I picked up a pebble and threw it towards a stack of crates among the thousands of other stacks of crates in the enormous warehouse. All stamped with a big and menacing looking letter “I” in the form of a skeletal tree, the logo of the villain known as Illustrious.

“Don’t know, I’m stuck between three choices, an eagle, a bear, or a platypus.” she said as she watched the arc of the pebble which evaporated in a burst of laser fire from a hidden turret before it hit anything.

“A platypus?” I chuckled, “You really think the boss will be okay with that?”

Amy shrugged, “Beats me, I’m pretty sure she’ll take my opinion into consideration though, she’s always been cool like that.”

I nodded, Illustrious may be a mass murdering psychopath in the eyes of the public, but to us guards she was one of the best bosses we’ve ever had. I mean sure the death threat at the interview was a little unnerving, but once you get past the openly evil bits, she actually held to the henchman’s union guidelines like they were a bible. We only worked four twelve hour shifts and only four hours of that was by yourself at the worst. Not to mention, we got full benefits and healthcare, and the pay was about three times the national average so no one really complained.

“So, what about you?” Amy grinned, “I heard you were on the waiting list for those neural implants. Tired of guard duty, are you?”

“It’s not that,” I sighed, “I just want to work in one of the R&D divisions building some of the cool stuff in here instead of babysitting it you know?”

“Yeah, I get that” she chuckled, “too bad Arya dumped you, you two could have-” I was saved from the awkward conversation temporarily as the radio in our ears crackled to life.

It was the silky voice of Illustrious herself as she said, “Amy, Charles, we have an escaped prisoner heading your way” her tone one of amusement.

“Want us to crush it?” asked Amy enthusiastically as she pounded a massive fist into her other palm.

“Calm down there Amy,” Illustrious chuckled, “I want you two to stand down and lock your weapons on stun. Let them make it to the warehouse, I want to test the automated systems for a change.”

“Understood.” I said as I dutifully locked all my weapons.

“I really do wish you would lighten up and let me add more upgrades Charles.” Illustrious teased.

“I’ll work on that Ma’am.” I countered to an annoyed sigh from both Amy and Illustrious.

Suddenly the doors burst open and a burly hero in a hospital gown came charging in and raised his hands which ignited with scorching white flames. “Hands up stooges!” he yelled and we complied. “Now which way is the exit, tell me now or I incinerate you both with my holy flames.”

“They’re not holy, they’re just a biological mutation that affected his brain making him hear voices.” Illustrious whispered in our radios.

We both pointed to the other side of the warehouse and her took off running again.

We sat back down as Illustrious excitedly counted, “Five…Four…Three…Two…and…” All the defence systems sprang to life and he was vaporized by a hail of various projectiles and energy beams. “One.” she finished.

“Everything seems to be working to me Boss?” I said into the radio.

“Hmmm…” came her response, “The fourth and fifth ion turrets on the east side are still slightly off. Send maintenance down to see what they can do in the morning. Amy, Charles, you both did wonderfully, keep up the good work and I’ll be sure to put in a good word on your performance reviews with Thomas next month.”

“Thank you, Ma’am.” Amy and I said in unison as the radio went dead.

Then Amy leaned back and said, “So I spy with my little eye…”

 

Weird Word of the week #1

Extramundane – outside or beyond the physical world

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/extramundane

It’s always good to have a plan B

In case being a writer doesn’t work out it’s always nice to have a plan B, and approved by Stan Lee no less!

Mother’s Day Repost!

Reposting an old story I wrote for my mom as a mother’s day gift. She’s put up with a lot of my insanity while I was growing up so I figured I might as well use it to say thank you.

Hope all. The mothers out their have a great day!

Love you mom

Mother’s Day

Year 0

I was born! A little squirming pink thing that enjoyed soiling myself to the dismay of others. I was carried home by my parents and met a slightly larger pink thing that I’m told was my brother. “It’s funny looking!” my brother exclaimed, followed by a scolding from our parents and so began my life. Of course, I remember none of this. My brain was still busy learning things like how to process light and breath this funny thing called air.

It was a weird and frightening start. Everything terrified me, I would wake up and realize that I was alone and that I couldn’t see any light like when I my family was there. It scared the crap out of me, literally, and I would begin to cry. Then, sure enough, one of the others would come and check on me and let me know everything was okay. Sometimes my dad who would sing to me and sometimes my brother who would draw on me, but most of the time it was my mom who seemed to always pop out of nowhere whenever I was in trouble. She always knew how to fix what was bothering me, from being out of water and fearing dehydration to those monsters that kept trying to break in through the window that she would whisk out of sight with a mighty popping sound. I liked the popping sound, it made those first days alive a lot more bearable and a lot less scary.

Year 1

I was beginning to get the hang of life, and things didn’t bother me as much as they did when I was born. We were all happy but life seemed to be hard on mom; because dad kept running around and mom started swelling. I didn’t mind though because all the drama meant my brother was playing with me more than usual. Probably because mom and dad were busy a lot, dad would yell at people sometimes sending cars flying with his voice. He said he was keeping everyone to date because mom was something called pregnant. I didn’t know what a baby was but my brother tried to enlighten me, “She sick!” my brother told me informatively, “just like when you were born.” I didn’t understand what he meant but it was nice that he took the time to teach me.

Then one day, mom disappeared and dad went after her in a loud white and red box. It was almost as loud as he was but didn’t sing as nicely. A few days later they came home with something in a blanket, it was really funny looking and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Mom and dad seemed okay with it though and told my big brother and me that it was our little sister. It was stull funny looking to me.

Year 7

My siblings and I were home from school and doing homework at the table while the radio played in the background. “Mom, can I have some juice?” my little sister asked.

“Sure sweetie, just give me one sec.” Mom replied as she popped about doing chores and helping us with our homework. Then something caught her attention and she turned up the radio. She listened intently as my dad spoke over the radio.

‘There is a disturbance downtown, police are struggling to keep damage to a minimum of as a criminal of unknown abilities is holding a group of guards hostages inside the bank vault…’

My mom turned to us and said with a smile, “I think we have more juice downstairs.” Then to my older brother, “Watch your sibling for a sec okay?”. My brother grunted an acknowledgement, his attitude a side effect of being twelve.

My siblings and I all listened intently as the radio continued its news broadcast, ‘We’re waiting patiently to see if any heroes… Wait… reports are flooding in that superhero Prism has just arrived on the scene. She seems to be conversing with the unknown criminal and, OH! It just launched a bolt of energy from its mouth in her direction. Prism has vanished… no wait she’s above him! Is that a porta-potty? The villain has opened his mouth to fire again, Oh wow! She teleported the toilet around his head! We can hear gagging from the inside of his new helmet, he’s thrashing about and… no wait? He’s down! The criminal is down, passing out from the fumes! The crowd is cheering as Prism has once again saved the day and is now… she’s now paying a local grocery clerk in the crowd?”

Mom came back upstairs with a carton of juice and poured my sister a glass, “Sorry sweetie, it was harder to find than I thought.”

My brother rolled his eyes and muttered something like, ‘I can’t believe you used a porta-potty’ my mom shot him a warning glance to the confusion of my sister and me.

Year 16

I had just failed my drivers test, not that I had put in a whole lot of effort. I tightened the laces on my running shoes and sped off at Mach three. I had powers and it was awesome. Unfortunately, I was the last one of my sibling to awaken their powers. My brother was twenty-one now and was the sidekick of a local hero of some repute; after briefly engaging in near villain like behaviour during his teens as a form of rebellion. During that time, my dad and him had battled it out a few times resulting in a lot of collateral damage from my dad’s super scream. Trust me, you did not want to be on the receiving end of one of his lectures, they tended to level whatever building you were in while it was happening. As for my sister, she found out she shared the same power as my brother at the age of thirteen, flight. Both of them could fly at Mach twelve and lift about five hundred pounds with them as they flew.

Me, I ran. It’s not an impressive power really, but it got me from point A to point B and allowed me to get a lot of things done incredibly fast. I also wasn’t a bad inventor and made quite a few gadgets for both myself and my family. On the upside, I was faster than both my sibling, except for the fact that I was stuck on the ground.

It was the summer and I headed to a lake we used to go to every year when I was a kid. I sat on a picnic table listening to classic rock on a local radio station. The music cut out as the host came on with a news bulletin, ‘We’ve just had a report that a high-speed chase is in progress at… sorry, was in progress on highway two. It ended just now when superhero Prism teleported the entire car into the RCMP’s parking lot where they were quickly apprehended. It’s rare to see her this far away from her normal jurisdiction but as always we greatly appreciate her assistance and hope she…’ *click* I shut off the radio and took my headphones out, just as my mom came up behind me and had a seat at the picnic table.

“So, failed the driver’s test I take it?” she asked knowing the answer already.

“Yeah but it doesn’t really matter, I can try again and it’s not like I can’t get to wherever I want by running.” I said in the overly confident tone of a teenager trying to avoid a lecture.

My mom just smiled, “I know you’ll get it eventually, but why did you run all the way to this lake?”

I shrugged, “The local radio station has good music.”

“Nice try, what’s bothering you?” she interrogated.

“It’s nothing just wanted time to think, okay.” I said a little more harshly than intended because I was a teenager and that’s what we do.

My mom stood up from and turned to look at me shrugging, “Alright fine, but be home for supper and remember that there is a one hour time difference compared to home.”

“I know mom, I’m not a little kid I know how to tell time. I’m pretty sure you were the one who taught me.” I countered sarcastically.

She smirked slightly but conceded defeat as she leaned in to give me an embarrassing kiss on the forehead. I suspected this was what moms considered revenge, “Okay fine, I love you see you at home.”

“Love you too mom.” I said reflexively as I put my headphones back on to listen to music. It was something everyone in my family shared. We all may have had different powers and abilities, different talents but we all loved music. My brother and sister even knew how to play various instruments and always kept up on the latest music. My dad was in was a radio host and he dealt with music more than any of us, though I suspected it was more work now than enjoyment.

I just liked listening to it, enjoying the same music my mom used to play for us on the trips to this very lake. For me no matter what I was doing rock and roll would always be the music that made good things happen.

Year 21

I had just been kicked out of university for one-too-many experiments that, as the faculty put it, ‘Endangered the lives of students and was unbecoming of a future hero’. I was distraught because none of that had been my intention as some of my instructors had argued on my behalf. Unfortunately, since I was at a prestigious university, their decision pretty much stripped away any alternative opportunities I may have had.

For the first time in my life I turned towards villainy. I was tempted to enact revenge on those who had stripped away my dreams of success. My brother had taken over for his mentor as the hero Jet, and was a prominent figure in his own neighborhood. He also had a daughter now, my niece; and although she had no powers yet her mischievous poops could be described as villainous toxic attacks that brought my hero-of-a-brother gagging to his knees. My sister was still at the same institution that had shunned me studying the languages of other dimensions in hopes of traveling the multiverse.

It was a dark time for me, especially since my parents had separated. My mom moved to be closer to my siblings and me after a lot of arguing between her and my dad. It was my mom’s insistent intervention that eventually stopped me from destroying a few small cities in what would have been my malevolent debut.

Year 30

My mom was still seen as one of the greats among other heroes but she let a lot of the younger heroes like me and my sibling deal with day-to-day crime that seemed to surge from a never-ending source of hatred in society today. I was now one of the go to heroes in my jurisdiction and often acted as perfunctory leader in most planning and diplomacy. My brother was now married and had a second daughter and he was constantly on the go in his new position as head of field missions. My sister had finally travelled to one of those strange dimensions that shared trade agreements with our own and had a bizarre language my siblings and I had all learned as children to be bilingual.

My mom still teleported to see them whenever they needed, but didn’t get involved in a lot of unnecessary hero-ing anymore. I did most of that now, showing those incompetent faculty members at my old university that their approval was unneeded. Instead, like a lot of things in mine and my siblings lives all we needed was our mom’s support to be great!

I left a vase of flowers on the table for my mom as I raced off to investigate a blaring security alarm in a nearby city that my wrist device alerted me to. As I left I saw the blue and red streaks of my siblings fly overhead, and in a green flash I was off to catch up.

The card next to the vase of white, orange and pink tulips read, ‘Happy Mother’s Day; Love, your superbrats.’

The End

Thanks Mom

Happy Mother’s Day!

You paint with oil I’ll paint with words.

Hello imaginary friends

So this has been an interesting week and I’m on my way to becoming published. Just a couple small stories for a program done by the local library. I got to meet an awesome artist and we’ll be trading work for the event.

Hopefully I can do the paintings justices with my clown 🤡 chest of wordplay and jokes. Fingers crossed 🤞.

Have good mother’s day weekend and take care!

Sincerely

J. S. Figment

Love your tongue!

Fun diagram from language base camp

I wonder what my tongue does having spoken French throughout school?

Number 8 makes me cry the most

Credit to writer’s write

Jump

Jump

    Jules stood at the door, just like everyone else in her class and the classes before her had. It was an ominous door and only four percent of people on the planet could even open it. She sighed, it was such a waste of time, the door was supposed to contain immeasurable knowledge on any topic you could think of and would even grant a wish if rumours were true. Of course, there wasn’t a single documented case of the door granting a wish, just providing basic information to that four percent of people who could even open the stupid thing. But for the last fifty years it had been part of the entrance exam to almost any university, and the main reason most students didn’t attempt it until their twenties. Despite the amazing potential of reward, there was also a twenty percent chance of being killed by the door as it obliterated you if it didn’t like your answers. She supposed it was to be expected from a mystical all-seeing door that read your minds and granted wishes, because that all made perfect scientific sense, right?

Jules just stared at the stupid thing, the instructor who had given them the introduction to the university had also painstakingly explained the process of the door. Apparently, you were supposed to reach out and turn the knob only when you had a vivid idea of what you wanted from the door. A wish, information, or even nothing at all, the latter being the recommended option for most students as it meant the door wouldn’t open, but at least you would probably live to see tomorrow.

But what should she think about? Jules had never been good at the whole blank mind thing, she figured that was mostly for people who had this overwhelming desire to be a part of society. The same society that put their trust into mystical things like gods, spirits, mystical doors, and brown drug filled liquid that tastes like manure aka coffee. She began to feel her face burn as she glared at the stupid doorknob and then finally she reached out; thinking, “I wonder what’s behind this thing anyway?” and yanked it open.

Jules stood staring at the black void in front of her, a few meters ahead there was a sign that read ‘Ask for knowledge or step forward for more’. She poked her head through the door and looked around, other than the ominously lit sign everything was black. She got a little freaked out and went to shut the door when she saw the other fingerprints inside the door in the dusty surface, then the fire inside her sparked again as she realized everyone else must have done one of the two options on the sign. It was like a cosmic yes or no question with no other options. She hated that, and as her anger grew she tried to think of what she could do to make the stupid sign eat those choices. She took a few steps back while thinking, and before she could begin questioning the wisdom of trying to pick a fight with a sign she took a running leap into the door, sailing past the sign and landing on a path that glittered from unseen star light.

“What the fuck?” she muttered as she looked back in stunned amazement, she saw that she was about two feet away from a sloping black metal slide that lead to some kind of inferno that seemed kilometers away. And looking around the room again she saw the path lead to a staircase that lead down another set of stairs with a small barely legible sign that said library and wishes this way.

She glanced back at the stupid sign to gloat at beating its dual choice problem like a pro. However, she was disappointingly greeted with the two must condescending words she’s ever read. ‘Nice Jump!’

A mad writer or a mad scientist?

Hello imaginary friends

So I’ve been slacking this past week and haven’t posted my normal plethora of useless but entertaining posts. This is primarily due to the effects of exhaustion from working too much… Go figure. Anway there are plenty of excuses for not posting including, exhaution, memory problems, panic attacks, memory problems, migraines, memory problems, etc. Luckily, I have a full spectrum of fun posts scheduled for this week so I hope you enjoy them.

Now as for the mad scientist aspect I’ve also been using this week to run experiments on myself for a new diet I’m trying (and I’m not a normal dieter as I view it as tedious). Basically I want to have better control over my body and that starts with testing the individual processes involved in maintaining the stupid thing. Ideally I want to see if I can help improve my overall physique (lose some weight and increase muscles, I’m over 6 feet tall and almost 2 feet shoulder to shoulder so I’ll never be small ). But much more importantly I’m trying to see if a controlled diet has an  impact on how well my brain functions.

Anywho that’s basically my nonsense for this week

I wish you all the best and have a great week

Sincerely

J. S. Figment

P.S. – Before beginning writting I was a scientist who spent his life aspiring to understand the mysteries of the universe before my progress towards my astrophysics degree were stripped from me for political reason with my university (I embarrased some professors, repeatedly, and accidently) Hence I became a mad scientist continuing my studies independantly and without the confines of standard education.