Well… Who knew

Given the time period I glad it’s not something else decaying in those pages.



I breathed heavily after narrowly escaping a ravenous howling beast. This was pathetic, I had once brought doom and dismay to all those who dared challenge me. Yet here I was now sitting by a gargantuan tree, hiding from my relentless pursuers. I was small and powerless in this new world and was quickly beginning to fear dying from hunger. Then the snow and ice came, what kind of frozen hell was this? I would have to climb one of the giant trees and huddle in the branches safe from the beasts below in order to make it through the nights.

After a few days of this I had taken to eating bark, needles, and a few giant grains I found but was still starving. I was quickly being forced to understand the perspective I had thrust onto so many unsuspecting peasants. I now was living that horrid existence in this new world and I had to admit it was very humbling. I mean it’s easy to forget how fragile life is when you can wipe out an entire city with the wave of your hand, or survive being engulfed by pure plasma in an explosion from your sheer hardiness alone. A trait I’m sad to say has been stripped from me.

As if the snow wasn’t bad enough the weather soon dropped to well below freezing and the ground turned solid. Everyday I head out in search of food which became both easier and harder. Easier because the beasts that chased me on a daily basis had gone into hiding and harder because I could only search for food for a tenth of the time I could before due to the weather.

Finally, on my third week in this strange punishment I was greeted with a pile of walnuts. They were set in the lower branches of one of the giant trees, and each one was about the size of my head. I watched them intently for a few hours as my stomach growled. Then, rallying my courage I grabbed one of them and quickly scurried back out of sight. I cracked the shell and devoured the giant innards of the nut and fell into a blissful sleep. I returned to find that the other nuts were still there and made the decision to gather them up for later and would check back every now and then to find the pile refreshed.

After I few months my torment was lifted and I was returned to my own world, but I never forgot the lessons learned in that strange land. I never met the creature that had saved me during that hellish time with the pile of giant walnuts. However, I do remember the strange incomprehensible words that I heard muttered before my return home, “Damn that’s a weird looking squirrel!”

When a writer goes Mad!

Every Saturday,

I’ll be doing my best to write an update on what’s been going on writting and studying wise to try and keep people in the loop as to what’s coming up and when.

Or I’ll just draw a comic or something….not sure yet, but we’ll face that demon when we step on it.

Thanks for reading and take care imaginary friends!



Anyone else have this fear?

Thursday is a day for Questions!

Alright I’m starting this to be more interactive with my readers, so please for today ask me any questions? Any characters you want to hear from? Any series I’ve written you are just dying to hear more of? What colour tie am I wearing today?


Whatever it is go nuts and I’ll answer

Weird words?

Ever wonder what some of the weirdest words in the english language are? Well look no further, as we’ve found the list for you below.


Let us know what your favourite word is in the comments below! Enjoy


    “That’s why I’m taking control of this company you belligerent old wind bags.” Zelia shouted as she slammed her tiny palms onto the table surrounded by a bunch of ageing piles of excrement with health insurance. All of which now stared at her with mixed expressions of shock and belligerent disdain.

    “Aren’t you the one who delivers the mail?” asked one elderly woman to the right of the CEO. “You have no proof of these claims,” she gestured at the documents they had been given when Zelia had burst in. “No one will believe any of this and we will use our lawyers to visit upon you a perdition the likes a nobody like yourself can’t even begin to imagine… LOOK AT ME WHEN A SUPERIOR IS TALKING TO YOU!!!” roared the flabby sac of crap from her chair.

    Meanwhile, Zelia was staring patiently at her watch and raised her middle finger palm out to request her ‘superior’ to kindly shut her cake gargling hole for a second. “There we are.” she muttered, then raising her head she apologized “Sorry about that, but I was just making sure that I implicated all your lawyers in this as well. Each one has just been served with similar documentation that contained a subpoena as well. I’ve offered them the option of paying penalties to the company in the hundreds of thousands as a settlement if they will testify against each of you. I also gave instructions to some friends who helped deliver these subpoenas to message me if anyone rejected the offer before 9:15am after they had read the paperwork.”

    “Why would they agree to being fined?” asked a nasaly man to Zelia’s left.

    “My apologies, the alternative was that I take them down with you, and since copies of this file will be made public, along with all bank records and security footage of your individual transgressions, within the hour; they all opted to take the option that didn’t result in a multi-decade imprisonment sentence.” Zelia added with a grin.

    “You treacherous snake! How dare you threaten the people who gave you employment and ….” spat the CEO finally losing his cool.

    “I’m sorry?” Zelia roared to silence him, “You treat us like garbage and are slowly running this company, the Platypus company, into the ground. You’re supposed to be the leading company in technology, adapting and creating the technology of tomorrow, the moto is freaking Excelsior, which literally translates as ‘ever upwards’!” she finished.

    “We’ll crush you, you’re nobody! You can’t run this company and each of us have enough money to bury you like the trash you are!” this came from the man to the CEO’s left and triggered a series of nods from his coworkers, desperately trying to hide how flummoxed they were feeling at all this.

    “Had money!” Zelia corrected smugly, “And I’m not going to run this company by myself.” she reached down into her suitcase and produced a stack of profile photos, each with a description of who the person was, fields of expertise, job experience etc.

    The increasingly nervous group of board members all looked over the pile of photos. She could see the horror on their faces as realization sunk in, these were all people they had fired and treated terribly, many of whom had since moved up to fairly prominent positions in competing companies since then. The CEO grabbed one photo especially and  glared at it, then laughed “The janitor? You want to make the janitor CEO?” he bellowed with a laugh, which prompted forced brown smelling laughter from the other board members.

    “I do actually, but maybe you don’t understand why.” she shrugged, “That man changed his name about fifteen years ago, and grew that beard, but before that he was known as William Rufus Archibald, otherwise known as the co-founder of…”

    The CEO’s face had gone white as he finished her sentence, “The platypus company” and sat back heavily in his seat.

    The woman to his right stood this time and roared again, “You think you can threaten us with nobodies from the past? Archibald was weak and too altruistic to take the opportunities that were presented. We weren’t we made sure that no one in this industry would ever compete with us, we’ve killed people a thousand times more ruthless than you! We’ve robbed people and companies to make sure we were the dominant power in the industry, and we covered our tracks like experts. You may have found a few strings we missed but by the end of the day those will vanish too, and do you know why?” Zelia shrugged with a small smile, “It’s because, even if you sent this to the press they’ll never air it. We own everyone, I could kill you right now and no one would know, because that’s the kind of power we have!” she fumed breathing heavily.

    “Had” corrected Zelia said as she activated a TV behind her which showed the security cam footage of the room. They all scoffed for a moment before noticing the live news feed at the bottom. They were watching themselves live on TV. “Good luck talking your way out of that.” Zelia said as the sound of stomping feet grew closer from the hall. “This has been years in making, and when my dad is CEO again, we’ll make sure this company is never taken advantage of again.”

           As they went to protest the doors were kicked open and a man in a long tan coat brandishing a warrant stormed in followed by armed officers. As they were handcuffed and dragged away with tears and screams, a freshly shaven man in a grey suit walked in. He walked over to stand beside Zelia as they watched the board being arrested. He then turned and smiled “Busy day today peanut?”

    Zelia scowled, “I just undid over a decade of corruption and made sure those responsible were held accountable, and you’re still calling me peanut?” Her pouting face cracked into a smile and she gave her dad a hug. On the television a newscaster related the details of the scandal as well as the change in the companies management structure. As it did the stock counter below showed their stock increasing for the first time in over a decade.


— This was for a writting group I’m in, we chose 5 random words and had to use them in a story or poem. Weird outcome but great exercise for anyone trying to get into writting.


Thanks for reading, if you liked this or have any helpful advice feel free to comment below, or send me a message throught the contact page.

Eye Contact

‘Shit’ I thought to myself as I saw her. I was hoping that if I was fast I could ditch this whole mess before she noticed me. Then those big brown eyes sung around to meet mine, like giant dog-doo colored searchlights.

She grinned malevolently and made her way over to where I was seated as waiters rushed around the tables in their elegant uniforms, causing her dark violet dress to swirl like a festering whirlpool of decayed entrails and suffering. She sat down across from me as I returned her grin, envisioning her being torn apart by a dozen angry beavers in plaid shirts. Grim I know but I was hired to kill this sociopath anyway so who cared.

“Well, well, well, the infamous Jack Venturi, I must admit I expected more from you. Did you really think I wouldn’t run a background check on someone I met online?” she teased.

“The online dating site wasn’t my idea.” I moaned in annoyance, “I bet Pipino never had to put up with this crap.” I muttered solemnly.

Her dark lips curled into a pitying grin, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself cutie” she cooed, “I’m a politician remember, we are some of the most untrustworthy and slippery folks you’ll ever have the mis-pleasure of killing.” A waiter appeared and poured her a glass of dark red wine. “Of course, you won’t be killing me tonight.” she continued before taking a long swig of the booze. I had water. “We know all about your plan to poison me on this date by coating all the glasses in whatever toxin was in that bottle.” She gestured to my left inner breast pocket.

I shrugged and removed the empty bottle from my jacket and set it on table in front of my plate. “Well I can’t say I’m not dissapointed, but I suppose my expectations were a bit too grand, eh?”

She laughed mockingly, “Your expectations were pathetic, I mean to think you could kill someone like me with a poisoned glass is just plain stupid. But to lace every glass they had was just insane, all these innocent people will die and then I’ll kill…” she paused as I took a drink of my water from the same tainted glasses. “Wait?” she glanced over at one of her many guards planted at other tables who were slowly collapsing and foaming at the mouths. She shot me an enraged glare. “What did you do?”

I shrugged again, “Strange how you thought me so cold hearted to kill off innocents so freely without being paid. I mean this is a nice restaurant who knows when one of them will have their own bounty.”

“But, but, the glasses?” she pouted in shock before a crippling pain caused her to hunch over.

“Oh that.” I said picking up the vial from the table again, “that was the antidote, the poison was in the wine. Shame you and your guards decided to clean yours so thoroughly.”

“You bastard! You’ll pay for this!” she gurgled.

“No the client pays, I just collect.” I said as I signaled the waiter for the check. “But like I said, my expectations of you were a bit too grand.” I said emphasizing the word ‘you’. I attached a hundred dollars to the bill and headed out of the restaurant as my date’s eyes glazed over and the same foam burbled onto the floor from her mouth. I chuckled to myself as I remembered an old commercial about drinking responsibly and whispered to myself, “Too true.”

Escaping Reality

A car passed John as he walked to work, except it wasn’t a car, it was duck with wheels being ridden by a group of uninterested businessmen. He decided to stop by the coffee shop on the corner and found a long coffee exclusive line when he entered. It was mostly people in slick profession business suits; but there were a few pigs, sharks, and even weasels in suits as well, all patiently waiting for their morning pick-me-up.

He got in the line for everyone not wanting coffee, which gave him a brief view into the backroom where they were grinding the beans; however in that brief moment he saw the truth every barista will take to their grave. Those weren’t beans! Instead several demonic looking black rats took consistent hard black poops into a funnel that fed into the grinder. John would have said something to the unsuspecting people in the coffee line but they looked jittery and upset enough. So he simply shrugged and waited, he had always suspected that was what coffee truly was anyway so it didn’t really matter.

His line moved ahead leaving only one person ahead of him, meanwhile the coffee line seemed to move backwards in some twist of fate brought on by demonic rat poop. The girl in front of him looked like someone had taken and smashed together the copies of a dozen fashion magazines and then scotch guarded her with makeup. He just stood and tried to read the menu, but was drawn back to her as he saw the truth. The blue blinking lights in her eyes betrayed her. She was an android, and by the shallow demeanor he guessed she was probably a beta model. When she started counting the fifteen dollars her order had cost with two bills for the twelfth time he let out a relieved sigh. She may be an android but if this is the best we’ve got to beta test at least we don’t have to worry about a robotic uprising. The calculator on the counter laughed an error message at her as though to say  in agreement “I know right?”

Finally she got flustered and just threw an extra twenty at the barista who had repeatedly told her what she had was more than enough. She screamed about not being a charity case, and how it was the worst service she’d ever had, as acrid blue smoke smelling of burning wires poured out of her ears. I stepped up to the counter and ordered an earl grey tea to go as the barista picked up the money and the receipt that read ‘$14.97’ as the total. He shoved the extra twenty into the tip jar and processed my order. The leaf juice finally came, and was just that, earl grey leaf juice because apparently the universe thought that tea was weird enough already. I left the poor barista to help his co-workers battle the hoards of coffee addicts. The small man had tightened his apron and grabbed a nearby sword to plunge right into that fray of madness, I put another twenty in his tip jar. That guy definitely deserved a raise.

As I left, there was a walrus on the corner going on about the end of the world, and how a local car dealership had a twenty five percent off sale as he handed out flyers saying, ‘The end of the season is near! Buy now!’. I took one and hopped onto the long horse drawn carriage at the bus stop. I made a paper airplane out of the flyer as we bumped along the road. Several other passengers watched me with annoyed disgust, but I suspect that had to do with the strange glasses they wore painting the world in dark colours. I would have told them to take them off but you can’t reason with those people, they just turn the glasses filter darker and yell at you. So I just felt pity for them and continued crafting my airplane until my stop.

The horse headed driver whinied pulling the massive six legged creatures to a stop outside my office building. I disembarked and tossed my airplane up towards the building and watched it as it did a few somersaults before soaring into the sky. I went inside and headed to the elevator waving at the friendly owl in a dress that sat at the front desk. Then hopped into the elevator along with a few eager little rabbits with gleaming eyes carrying packages and messages for some of the senior employees. As I got to my floor I headed down the hallway of doors, each one concealing a whole new universe, some I’d even visited and made friends inside during my breaks.

I got to my door and unlocked it, then setting my things down, taking off my coat, I rolled up my sleeves. I looked around my small cramped office at all the tiny windows and pictures of different realities. I pulled out a fresh piece of paper, put it into the holders on my desk, and began to draw.


He turned onto the highway heading north, towards the ominous green light that swarms of other people seemed to be fleeing in the southbound lane. The government was still using the emergency broadcasting system to inform people not to panic and to stay where they were. In the meantime, mob mentality fueled by fear, prejudice, and organized religion, drove slack jawed oil workers and their whorish spouses away from the new and unexpected. Not Thorin though, he had just finished a rather terrible week of dealing with the same fleeing sheeple and was not in a mood to join them. Instead he loaded up his jeep, plugged in an outdated, but still functioning, mp3 player to the radio and headed north.

He sped north in the center lane at about fifty clicks over the speed limit which should have worried him as the only other vehicles on this side of the highway were emergency vehicles all which passed him like he was standing still. He knew they were responding with whatever force they could spare and reporting to the lookout outpost constructed about 25 kilometers away from the glowing green ball that lit up the sky for miles.

He just blazed ahead listening to his playlist of golden oldies until he noticed the road had become deadly silent and he could see the orange flashing lights of a barricade up ahead. He pulled off the road and headed up a side road with his lights off. Then as the road began to curve right he continued along the road on a pair of tire grooves worn into the ground. They lead a trail through a patch of thick forest, all the time with his vehicle moving no more than 30 km/h and watching the glow in the dark compass closely as he wove his way through the trees, finally emerging on the other side after about an hour of the tedious wooded path. As he exited he turned his lights back on and heading out of some farmer’s field merged back onto the highway. The annoying orange lights behind him and the ominous emerald one in the distance becoming brighter as he raced closer.

Thorin noticed that the light was beginning to flash again, and he pushed his jeep hard to make it there on time. Every time it did, people would disappear, only to reappear a few hours later in a park, fifty kilometers from the object. It was like it was looking for something which explained why it was just sitting there waiting. Thorin had to get inside that thing, he had to disappear to see what was going on. He could have claimed it was just the reporter in him that drove him to risk life and limb to find the truth; but in all honesty, he was just curious. He needed to know what all this was about, even if he could never tell a soul it was important to him in a way he couldn’t really explain.

Clearing the rim of the crater the thing had carved into the ground as it landed he finally saw the pulsating green light sitting in the middle of the glassy bowl it had made. He stopped his vehicle, strapped his sport camera to his chest and got out. Then carefully he slid down the bowl towards the giant glowing orb. Unfortunately, it was at this point he realized he was not alone as five uniformed officers from the police, military, air force, navy, and some kind of secret service, were all pointing firearms at one another.

He halted to a stop as the others all glanced quickly in his direction. He went to say something witty in hopes that he wouldn’t be shot, however before anyone could speak the bowl lit up with a brilliant emerald light and next thing he knew he was sitting in a waiting room with a door across from him and the word test written on it. A digital counter was over the door and read five hours, which just happened to be the same time most people had disappeared for. Nothing else was in the room, which was a pastel green, except his chair he was in which seemed to be molded out of the floor.

Thorin stood up and looked around the room, trying to think of a way to determine where or when he was. The room was still empty but for the door and the counter. He rubbed his chin eyeing the counter and proceeded to climb up the door standing on the door handle, which surprisingly held his weight. He very carefully ran his fingers around the edges of the counter on the wall and finally found what he was looking for. On the left side, farthest from the door handle of course, was a series of bumps that felt like letters. He couldn’t see them so he took his phone out and took a quick photo of that side before slipping off the handle and falling to the floor.

He groaned as he sat up, picking up his phone which now was sporting a cracked screen. He crossed his fingers as he pressed the power button and was relieved to see that the display panel was still unscathed. He unlocked the phone to see the photo he had just taken and his eyes went wide as he read the engraved letters which read ‘Manufactured, 12th Aug. 3420’…

——— The first teaser of one of my new novels ——-

Thanks for reading!

Comment below or on facebook and let me know what you think!

Good to be back!

Hi Everyone

I’m starting up my site again! I will be posting every sunday with new stories and content. I’m working on creating some cover art as well for some books I’m working on as well as finishing three novels I’m writing this year. The content you see here will mostly be teasers and short stories leading up to the vairous novels.

Please let me know what you think of the site in the comments below and if there is anything else you would like to see me add or change here.

Otherwise, welcome back for more madness and mischief.


J. S. Figment