Anyone else have this fear?


Thursday is a day for Questions!

Alright I’m starting this to be more interactive with my readers, so please for today ask me any questions? Any characters you want to hear from? Any series I’ve written you are just dying to hear more of? What colour tie am I wearing today?


Whatever it is go nuts and I’ll answer

Weird words?

Ever wonder what some of the weirdest words in the english language are? Well look no further, as we’ve found the list for you below.


Let us know what your favourite word is in the comments below! Enjoy


    “That’s why I’m taking control of this company you belligerent old wind bags.” Zelia shouted as she slammed her tiny palms onto the table surrounded by a bunch of ageing piles of excrement with health insurance. All of which now stared at her with mixed expressions of shock and belligerent disdain.

    “Aren’t you the one who delivers the mail?” asked one elderly woman to the right of the CEO. “You have no proof of these claims,” she gestured at the documents they had been given when Zelia had burst in. “No one will believe any of this and we will use our lawyers to visit upon you a perdition the likes a nobody like yourself can’t even begin to imagine… LOOK AT ME WHEN A SUPERIOR IS TALKING TO YOU!!!” roared the flabby sac of crap from her chair.

    Meanwhile, Zelia was staring patiently at her watch and raised her middle finger palm out to request her ‘superior’ to kindly shut her cake gargling hole for a second. “There we are.” she muttered, then raising her head she apologized “Sorry about that, but I was just making sure that I implicated all your lawyers in this as well. Each one has just been served with similar documentation that contained a subpoena as well. I’ve offered them the option of paying penalties to the company in the hundreds of thousands as a settlement if they will testify against each of you. I also gave instructions to some friends who helped deliver these subpoenas to message me if anyone rejected the offer before 9:15am after they had read the paperwork.”

    “Why would they agree to being fined?” asked a nasaly man to Zelia’s left.

    “My apologies, the alternative was that I take them down with you, and since copies of this file will be made public, along with all bank records and security footage of your individual transgressions, within the hour; they all opted to take the option that didn’t result in a multi-decade imprisonment sentence.” Zelia added with a grin.

    “You treacherous snake! How dare you threaten the people who gave you employment and ….” spat the CEO finally losing his cool.

    “I’m sorry?” Zelia roared to silence him, “You treat us like garbage and are slowly running this company, the Platypus company, into the ground. You’re supposed to be the leading company in technology, adapting and creating the technology of tomorrow, the moto is freaking Excelsior, which literally translates as ‘ever upwards’!” she finished.

    “We’ll crush you, you’re nobody! You can’t run this company and each of us have enough money to bury you like the trash you are!” this came from the man to the CEO’s left and triggered a series of nods from his coworkers, desperately trying to hide how flummoxed they were feeling at all this.

    “Had money!” Zelia corrected smugly, “And I’m not going to run this company by myself.” she reached down into her suitcase and produced a stack of profile photos, each with a description of who the person was, fields of expertise, job experience etc.

    The increasingly nervous group of board members all looked over the pile of photos. She could see the horror on their faces as realization sunk in, these were all people they had fired and treated terribly, many of whom had since moved up to fairly prominent positions in competing companies since then. The CEO grabbed one photo especially and  glared at it, then laughed “The janitor? You want to make the janitor CEO?” he bellowed with a laugh, which prompted forced brown smelling laughter from the other board members.

    “I do actually, but maybe you don’t understand why.” she shrugged, “That man changed his name about fifteen years ago, and grew that beard, but before that he was known as William Rufus Archibald, otherwise known as the co-founder of…”

    The CEO’s face had gone white as he finished her sentence, “The platypus company” and sat back heavily in his seat.

    The woman to his right stood this time and roared again, “You think you can threaten us with nobodies from the past? Archibald was weak and too altruistic to take the opportunities that were presented. We weren’t we made sure that no one in this industry would ever compete with us, we’ve killed people a thousand times more ruthless than you! We’ve robbed people and companies to make sure we were the dominant power in the industry, and we covered our tracks like experts. You may have found a few strings we missed but by the end of the day those will vanish too, and do you know why?” Zelia shrugged with a small smile, “It’s because, even if you sent this to the press they’ll never air it. We own everyone, I could kill you right now and no one would know, because that’s the kind of power we have!” she fumed breathing heavily.

    “Had” corrected Zelia said as she activated a TV behind her which showed the security cam footage of the room. They all scoffed for a moment before noticing the live news feed at the bottom. They were watching themselves live on TV. “Good luck talking your way out of that.” Zelia said as the sound of stomping feet grew closer from the hall. “This has been years in making, and when my dad is CEO again, we’ll make sure this company is never taken advantage of again.”

           As they went to protest the doors were kicked open and a man in a long tan coat brandishing a warrant stormed in followed by armed officers. As they were handcuffed and dragged away with tears and screams, a freshly shaven man in a grey suit walked in. He walked over to stand beside Zelia as they watched the board being arrested. He then turned and smiled “Busy day today peanut?”

    Zelia scowled, “I just undid over a decade of corruption and made sure those responsible were held accountable, and you’re still calling me peanut?” Her pouting face cracked into a smile and she gave her dad a hug. On the television a newscaster related the details of the scandal as well as the change in the companies management structure. As it did the stock counter below showed their stock increasing for the first time in over a decade.


— This was for a writting group I’m in, we chose 5 random words and had to use them in a story or poem. Weird outcome but great exercise for anyone trying to get into writting.


Thanks for reading, if you liked this or have any helpful advice feel free to comment below, or send me a message throught the contact page.

Eye Contact

‘Shit’ I thought to myself as I saw her. I was hoping that if I was fast I could ditch this whole mess before she noticed me. Then those big brown eyes sung around to meet mine, like giant dog-doo colored searchlights.

She grinned malevolently and made her way over to where I was seated as waiters rushed around the tables in their elegant uniforms, causing her dark violet dress to swirl like a festering whirlpool of decayed entrails and suffering. She sat down across from me as I returned her grin, envisioning her being torn apart by a dozen angry beavers in plaid shirts. Grim I know but I was hired to kill this sociopath anyway so who cared.

“Well, well, well, the infamous Jack Venturi, I must admit I expected more from you. Did you really think I wouldn’t run a background check on someone I met online?” she teased.

“The online dating site wasn’t my idea.” I moaned in annoyance, “I bet Pipino never had to put up with this crap.” I muttered solemnly.

Her dark lips curled into a pitying grin, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself cutie” she cooed, “I’m a politician remember, we are some of the most untrustworthy and slippery folks you’ll ever have the mis-pleasure of killing.” A waiter appeared and poured her a glass of dark red wine. “Of course, you won’t be killing me tonight.” she continued before taking a long swig of the booze. I had water. “We know all about your plan to poison me on this date by coating all the glasses in whatever toxin was in that bottle.” She gestured to my left inner breast pocket.

I shrugged and removed the empty bottle from my jacket and set it on table in front of my plate. “Well I can’t say I’m not dissapointed, but I suppose my expectations were a bit too grand, eh?”

She laughed mockingly, “Your expectations were pathetic, I mean to think you could kill someone like me with a poisoned glass is just plain stupid. But to lace every glass they had was just insane, all these innocent people will die and then I’ll kill…” she paused as I took a drink of my water from the same tainted glasses. “Wait?” she glanced over at one of her many guards planted at other tables who were slowly collapsing and foaming at the mouths. She shot me an enraged glare. “What did you do?”

I shrugged again, “Strange how you thought me so cold hearted to kill off innocents so freely without being paid. I mean this is a nice restaurant who knows when one of them will have their own bounty.”

“But, but, the glasses?” she pouted in shock before a crippling pain caused her to hunch over.

“Oh that.” I said picking up the vial from the table again, “that was the antidote, the poison was in the wine. Shame you and your guards decided to clean yours so thoroughly.”

“You bastard! You’ll pay for this!” she gurgled.

“No the client pays, I just collect.” I said as I signaled the waiter for the check. “But like I said, my expectations of you were a bit too grand.” I said emphasizing the word ‘you’. I attached a hundred dollars to the bill and headed out of the restaurant as my date’s eyes glazed over and the same foam burbled onto the floor from her mouth. I chuckled to myself as I remembered an old commercial about drinking responsibly and whispered to myself, “Too true.”

Escaping Reality

A car passed John as he walked to work, except it wasn’t a car, it was duck with wheels being ridden by a group of uninterested businessmen. He decided to stop by the coffee shop on the corner and found a long coffee exclusive line when he entered. It was mostly people in slick profession business suits; but there were a few pigs, sharks, and even weasels in suits as well, all patiently waiting for their morning pick-me-up.

He got in the line for everyone not wanting coffee, which gave him a brief view into the backroom where they were grinding the beans; however in that brief moment he saw the truth every barista will take to their grave. Those weren’t beans! Instead several demonic looking black rats took consistent hard black poops into a funnel that fed into the grinder. John would have said something to the unsuspecting people in the coffee line but they looked jittery and upset enough. So he simply shrugged and waited, he had always suspected that was what coffee truly was anyway so it didn’t really matter.

His line moved ahead leaving only one person ahead of him, meanwhile the coffee line seemed to move backwards in some twist of fate brought on by demonic rat poop. The girl in front of him looked like someone had taken and smashed together the copies of a dozen fashion magazines and then scotch guarded her with makeup. He just stood and tried to read the menu, but was drawn back to her as he saw the truth. The blue blinking lights in her eyes betrayed her. She was an android, and by the shallow demeanor he guessed she was probably a beta model. When she started counting the fifteen dollars her order had cost with two bills for the twelfth time he let out a relieved sigh. She may be an android but if this is the best we’ve got to beta test at least we don’t have to worry about a robotic uprising. The calculator on the counter laughed an error message at her as though to say  in agreement “I know right?”

Finally she got flustered and just threw an extra twenty at the barista who had repeatedly told her what she had was more than enough. She screamed about not being a charity case, and how it was the worst service she’d ever had, as acrid blue smoke smelling of burning wires poured out of her ears. I stepped up to the counter and ordered an earl grey tea to go as the barista picked up the money and the receipt that read ‘$14.97’ as the total. He shoved the extra twenty into the tip jar and processed my order. The leaf juice finally came, and was just that, earl grey leaf juice because apparently the universe thought that tea was weird enough already. I left the poor barista to help his co-workers battle the hoards of coffee addicts. The small man had tightened his apron and grabbed a nearby sword to plunge right into that fray of madness, I put another twenty in his tip jar. That guy definitely deserved a raise.

As I left, there was a walrus on the corner going on about the end of the world, and how a local car dealership had a twenty five percent off sale as he handed out flyers saying, ‘The end of the season is near! Buy now!’. I took one and hopped onto the long horse drawn carriage at the bus stop. I made a paper airplane out of the flyer as we bumped along the road. Several other passengers watched me with annoyed disgust, but I suspect that had to do with the strange glasses they wore painting the world in dark colours. I would have told them to take them off but you can’t reason with those people, they just turn the glasses filter darker and yell at you. So I just felt pity for them and continued crafting my airplane until my stop.

The horse headed driver whinied pulling the massive six legged creatures to a stop outside my office building. I disembarked and tossed my airplane up towards the building and watched it as it did a few somersaults before soaring into the sky. I went inside and headed to the elevator waving at the friendly owl in a dress that sat at the front desk. Then hopped into the elevator along with a few eager little rabbits with gleaming eyes carrying packages and messages for some of the senior employees. As I got to my floor I headed down the hallway of doors, each one concealing a whole new universe, some I’d even visited and made friends inside during my breaks.

I got to my door and unlocked it, then setting my things down, taking off my coat, I rolled up my sleeves. I looked around my small cramped office at all the tiny windows and pictures of different realities. I pulled out a fresh piece of paper, put it into the holders on my desk, and began to draw.


He turned onto the highway heading north, towards the ominous green light that swarms of other people seemed to be fleeing in the southbound lane. The government was still using the emergency broadcasting system to inform people not to panic and to stay where they were. In the meantime, mob mentality fueled by fear, prejudice, and organized religion, drove slack jawed oil workers and their whorish spouses away from the new and unexpected. Not Thorin though, he had just finished a rather terrible week of dealing with the same fleeing sheeple and was not in a mood to join them. Instead he loaded up his jeep, plugged in an outdated, but still functioning, mp3 player to the radio and headed north.

He sped north in the center lane at about fifty clicks over the speed limit which should have worried him as the only other vehicles on this side of the highway were emergency vehicles all which passed him like he was standing still. He knew they were responding with whatever force they could spare and reporting to the lookout outpost constructed about 25 kilometers away from the glowing green ball that lit up the sky for miles.

He just blazed ahead listening to his playlist of golden oldies until he noticed the road had become deadly silent and he could see the orange flashing lights of a barricade up ahead. He pulled off the road and headed up a side road with his lights off. Then as the road began to curve right he continued along the road on a pair of tire grooves worn into the ground. They lead a trail through a patch of thick forest, all the time with his vehicle moving no more than 30 km/h and watching the glow in the dark compass closely as he wove his way through the trees, finally emerging on the other side after about an hour of the tedious wooded path. As he exited he turned his lights back on and heading out of some farmer’s field merged back onto the highway. The annoying orange lights behind him and the ominous emerald one in the distance becoming brighter as he raced closer.

Thorin noticed that the light was beginning to flash again, and he pushed his jeep hard to make it there on time. Every time it did, people would disappear, only to reappear a few hours later in a park, fifty kilometers from the object. It was like it was looking for something which explained why it was just sitting there waiting. Thorin had to get inside that thing, he had to disappear to see what was going on. He could have claimed it was just the reporter in him that drove him to risk life and limb to find the truth; but in all honesty, he was just curious. He needed to know what all this was about, even if he could never tell a soul it was important to him in a way he couldn’t really explain.

Clearing the rim of the crater the thing had carved into the ground as it landed he finally saw the pulsating green light sitting in the middle of the glassy bowl it had made. He stopped his vehicle, strapped his sport camera to his chest and got out. Then carefully he slid down the bowl towards the giant glowing orb. Unfortunately, it was at this point he realized he was not alone as five uniformed officers from the police, military, air force, navy, and some kind of secret service, were all pointing firearms at one another.

He halted to a stop as the others all glanced quickly in his direction. He went to say something witty in hopes that he wouldn’t be shot, however before anyone could speak the bowl lit up with a brilliant emerald light and next thing he knew he was sitting in a waiting room with a door across from him and the word test written on it. A digital counter was over the door and read five hours, which just happened to be the same time most people had disappeared for. Nothing else was in the room, which was a pastel green, except his chair he was in which seemed to be molded out of the floor.

Thorin stood up and looked around the room, trying to think of a way to determine where or when he was. The room was still empty but for the door and the counter. He rubbed his chin eyeing the counter and proceeded to climb up the door standing on the door handle, which surprisingly held his weight. He very carefully ran his fingers around the edges of the counter on the wall and finally found what he was looking for. On the left side, farthest from the door handle of course, was a series of bumps that felt like letters. He couldn’t see them so he took his phone out and took a quick photo of that side before slipping off the handle and falling to the floor.

He groaned as he sat up, picking up his phone which now was sporting a cracked screen. He crossed his fingers as he pressed the power button and was relieved to see that the display panel was still unscathed. He unlocked the phone to see the photo he had just taken and his eyes went wide as he read the engraved letters which read ‘Manufactured, 12th Aug. 3420’…

——— The first teaser of one of my new novels ——-

Thanks for reading!

Comment below or on facebook and let me know what you think!

Good to be back!

Hi Everyone

I’m starting up my site again! I will be posting every sunday with new stories and content. I’m working on creating some cover art as well for some books I’m working on as well as finishing three novels I’m writing this year. The content you see here will mostly be teasers and short stories leading up to the vairous novels.

Please let me know what you think of the site in the comments below and if there is anything else you would like to see me add or change here.

Otherwise, welcome back for more madness and mischief.


J. S. Figment



Why is the Toilet Paper on Fire VI

6. Probation

“Not again.” Muttered Octavia, as she kicked at a lump of dirt on floor of her cell. A giant blood thirsty wolf happily devoured the watermelon heads of scarecrows in the corner and leaving there beaten and straw-filled carcases strewn about the floor. Octavia watched the waheela wag her giant tail as hit slurped, “That’s right girl, show those fake farmers who’s boss!” she shouted, to which the giant puppy panted and wagged ecstatically glancing back at Octavia.

“Could be worse.” Said Tinder from his full body restraints “At least no one died!” Octavia shot him an angry glare, to which he cleared his throat then went back to trying to melt his way to freedom.

“Why do I listen to you?” Octavia shot as Tinder pretended not to hear her as he enacted his escape plan for them. She stared ahead at the bars and sighed. “All I had to do was wait for a senior agent to show before trying to take on a wild waheela but no! Instead, as always I go charging in with my partner!” she complained waving a hand half-heartedly at the small lizard who was still spitting streams of fire at the metal constraints on his limbs. “What do you think fluffy?” she moaned at the adjacent cell. The waheela had gotten to her feet and was scraping up the straw corpses into an empty corner before squatting down to relieve herself on her brainless enemies. “Yep!” said Octavia raising an eyebrow in mild shock “That sums things up nicely” then leaned back against the wall to resume her bored pouting.

“I hope you’re enjoying our hospitality Ms. Maurelle” said a grey-suited man as he entered the holding area. “Of course, if you don’t have an excellent explanation for your behaviour than we can always arrange to make this a more permanent accommodation for you?”

Octavia rolled her eyes at the thinly veiled threat towards her freedom. “I already told you what happened!” she whined. “Tinder and I thought we could take on the giant furball by ourselves.” At being called a furball the waheela popped her head up and looked at the grey clad man. Then returned to feverishly kicking straw on top of a steaming present she had left the kind people who brought her the juicy victims. After watching the dog Octavia added, “In hindsight, we may have overthought our plan a bit.”

The grey man grabbed a folding chair and proceeded to clean it with a handkerchief before sitting down. “Please, enlighten me Ms. Maurelle.”

“I already told the people who arrested me all that!” Octavia countered defiantly from her mat in the cell. The grey man simply stared, waiting for her to continue. She flopped her arms to her side and whined “Fine! But you need to let Tinder loose first.”

At this Mr. Grey, as she had labelled him in her mind, sighed and snapped his fingers causing the lizard to plummet unceremoniously towards the ground where with a second snap from Mr. Grey a large terrarium appeared around before he could impact. Tinder let off a burst of fire intent on burning his way out of the glass prison only to blacken it along with his snout. “There you are Ms. Maurelle, now please continue.” He leaned back making himself comfortable with a barely noticeable, yet no less malevolent smile.

Octavia glanced more out of annoyance than fear from her caged companion to their interrogator. “Well, after we got to the location, Tinder and I quickly created a plan to trap and ensnare the giant wolf next door.”

“Are you referring to the incident with the birthday clown?” inquired Mr. Grey uncomfortably.

“No that came later” she replied ignoring his squirming. “No, our first attempt resulted in me dressing up in a female wolf costume and trying to howl seductively to lure the waheela into a pit trap we had built. I spent the first night in the cold northern forests trying to keep the shivers out of my howls as we waited to bag us a waheela and be back before I had to blow my cover.”

“I see,” said Mr. Grey with a sigh. “Let me guess, you ended up blowing your cover?” Octavia nodded sheepishly. “And you didn’t know that your friend there,” he gestured at the waheela who was rolling on the corpses of her victims “was in fact not a male or a lesbian for that matter?”

Octavia, Mr. Grey and Tinder, who had accepted his new accommodations bathing under a heat lamp, all glanced over at the furball who had proceeded to clean herself after rolling about. Her head popped up long enough to notice that everyone was staring at her then seemed to shrug it off and continue grooming her nether regions.

“Yeah I definitely made an assumption there.” Octavia said trying to hide her embarrassment. Mr. Grey waved permission for her to continue. She breathed deep, “Well after that we decided we needed some live bait so we put 5 chickens at the bottom of the pit. It probably would have worked except they attracted some other predators as well, including two bears, a cougar, a badger, various predatory birds and what was either a very tall mountain man without pants or big foot.”

“It wasn’t big foot.” shot Mr. Grey flatly.

“But he looked like big foot!” Octavia protested.

“Maybe, but Big Foot would have reported in your shenanigans if he had been there.” Mr. Grey had removed them for cleaning while he spoke. As he replaced them on the bridge of his nose he continued, “Where did the clown come in?”

“Wait?” Octavia said as she processed the latter statement, “Big Foot works for us?”

“Please Ms. Maurelle, I need to know how much you may have let slip to the clown you contracted for your bait.” Mr. Grey’s patient seemed to slowly fade from his voice as the interrogation continued.

“Okay, so basically I called the closest city and hired Mizzo the clown for a surprise party we were having outdoors. Tinder and I had set up an entire maze of traps out of determination. ‘Don’t you think this is overkill?’ he had asked but I had reassured him that I wasn’t risking my cover anymore than I already had at that point. Though in hindsight my job sucked anyway so I don’t know why I cared.” Octavia chuckled nervously as Mr. Grey frowned.

“Anyway,” she said before he could lecture her on the merits of hard work, “The clown reached the maze and proceeded inside, ‘Finally!’ I said as Tinder and I watched patiently for him to reach his mark. ‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this!’ Tinder had whined from my shoulder. At that moment I said the worst thing anyone can say…”

Mr. Grey held up a hand in a disheartening manner as he said, “Let me guess you said ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’”

Octavia blushed and shrugged sheepishly in acknowledgment, “After that, the clown reached the trap but from the wrong angle, triggering one of the leg holsters that whipped him into the air. That’s when our furry friend over there decided to make her entrance.”

Everyone looked at the wolf again to see that she was, in fact, fervently listening to the story now and her tail wagged enthusiastically at the sudden attention. “She was clever too!” said Octavia as she narrated their adventure further. “I have never seen a wolf, and I mean any wolf, that could scale the fifteen foot walls this maze had. Worst of all it didn’t even seem hard for her and if it weren’t for the quick thinking of me and Tinder that clown would be dead instead of just hospitalized.” She leaned back defiantly and muttered, “Ungrateful jester should be sending me a thank you letter.”

“I’m afraid I’m still a little fuzzy on the details Ms. Maurelle. Do you care to clarify how you managed to finally ensnare the waheela?” Mr. Grey was stern with a deadpan seriousness that would make an accountant feel like an emotional wreck.

“Oh right,” said Octavia slapping her forehead, “So the furball over there finally makes it to the clown, who is wetting himself at the sight of this huge monster about to bite his head off. She takes one big bite but misjudges where his head is, all she got was a colorful wig in her mouth. At this point Mizzo is freaking out and throwing everything he has at the beast to distract it. Finally, a rubber chicken sails from the clown’s hand and hits a rock behind the giant wolf with a huge SQUEAK!”

At the word squeak the waheela’s ears perked up and she looked around excitedly for a new mystery toy that they must have given her. Octavia pointed at her quickly and squealed through fits of laughter, “Just like that, she looked just like that when it hit!” Mr. Grey scowled as he grew impatient, “Ahem” Octavia coughed as she composed herself, “Needless to say she spun around and began playing with the rubber chicken like it was her new best friend. Squeezing it then barking as it squeeked in response. We quickly made are way down to the maze and I had Tinder cut down Mizzo who in his panic landed on his knocking himself unconscious on impact. He wasn’t a priority at the time so when we called an ambulance and lead the waheela towards the pickup site. With the squeaky toy in hand she would do whatever we said so it turned out to be really easy getting her into that cage.”

Octavia finished her tale and glared at Mr. Grey, “Satisfied? Now what I don’t understand is why I’m in jail next to that thing?” she pointed a finger at the beast who tried to lick it through the bars.

“You’re here,” Mr. Grey began as he stood from his chair, “because, quite frankly, you screwed up.” Octavia went to protest but he cut her off with another raised hand, “You left your cover without justifyable reason or preparations, you failed to properly research your target beforehand, which put innocent lives in danger as well as disrupted the local wildlife and drew unwarranted attention to your mission. I should be writing you up for this and having you attend to your damage control while supervised as punishement.”

“Yeah that works great, why don’t we do that?” Octavia said with excessive sarcasm.

“Unfortunately,” Mr. Grey continued as he ignored her outburst, “this isn’t your first offence, so we will be taking care of the cleanup. In the meantime you will stay in this cell until we can find you a probationary partner for you.”

“Probation? Partner?” Octavia asked as she began to see the severity of her situation. “You mean you’re assigning me a babysitter?!”

“Call it what you like but if you mess up one more time your mind will be erased, we will lobatomize part of your brain and I will personally see to it that you are stuck in that hell hole of a job for the rest of your days do I make myself clear?” Mr. Grey said these things with such force and certainty that not only Octavia but Tinder and the waheela nodded in unison frantically. “Good” he said with a smile as he headed towards the exit. “Oh, and one more thing,” he added with his hand on the door nob “that waheela is your responsibility now too, enjoy!” with that he exited leaving the three of them to stew in their prison.

Octavia turned to Tinder who had written ‘Ouch!’ on the side of his tank, “You said it buddy.” She moaned.

“I know, right? I thought he would never leave.” Octavia and Tinder both looked at one another realizing the voice had not come from the other. Turning to the cell next door they saw the waheela staring at them as she said, “Hi, my name is Lupe! What are your names? I’ve always wanted friends!” to which both Tinder and Octavia began to scream like little children.


To Be Continued….


Thanks for reading, another rush job I’m sorry but life continues it’s never ending progression which cuts into my writing time.


Hope you enjoyed and check back next week for a new adventure!


  1. S. Figment

Why Is the Toilet Paper on Fire V


“Really Nadiya?!” screamed the Sandman, “I teach you how to modify the weather slightly and you keep conjuring thunderstorms!”

“What’s so wrong with thunderstorms?” asked Nadiya innocently as she gazed over the balcony with an air of melancholy. “I like the lightning best personally.” She grinned as she turned her gaze to the chaos overhead.

“Thunderstorms are fine when you’re not in a building made of sand!” said the sandman through gritted teeth.

“Fine!” Nadiya moaned like only a teenager could. “Give me a moment” she said pondering for a moment. The sandman went to protest but she shushed him causing his eyes to burn like the desert sun. “I’ve got it!” she exclaimed “Mr. Morpheus can you help increase the static level of that storm?”

Morpheus, aka the sandman, stared at her in confusion briefly, “Why, what do you have in mind?”

“I think I know how to make your city a little more resistant to the storms.” Nadiya beamed at her temporary mentor.

With realization donning on him Morpheus joined Nadiya at the balcony and stretched his hands over the quickly reforming city as it dried. “I see what you’re implying he said, but follow my lead this time alright?”

Nadiya nodded trying to contain her glee as she raised her hands in unison with her teacher. As she did waves of sand darted in and out of the clouds agitating the air; causing a barrage of skillfully aimed and charged lightning bolts to rain down crashing into the towers and roads, solidifying certain part into patterned multi-coloured bricks and shingles. The city went from an elaborate sandcastle unto a crytaline city of dreams.

Nadiya went to lower her hands thinking they had finished when the sandman snapped, “Not yet! I have an idea, just keep the lighting coming in a ring around the edge of the city!”

Not wanting to argue with him she continued to rain down lightning but this time she was aiming at the edges of the city limits; where the sandman was raising, what looked like a wall that crystalized into an almost invisible glass as the lightning coursed through the grains of sand fusing them into the desired shape. As it grew higher than the highest towers themselves she began to understand, it was no wall! “Oh wow, I get it now!” She said as she focused on her barrage.

The walls kept climbing and tilting inward until they created an arched cone around the city. They had sealed the city in what looked like the bottom half of an hour glass. Effectively placing them at the center of a very large greenhouse. Finally finished they both lowered their hands and stared at the familiar but evolved version of the sandman’s domain. “First time I’ve changed anything this much in almost five hundred years.” Chuckled Morpheus as he leaned on the now glass balcony railing.

“Really?” ask Nadiya with a raised eyebrow, “I would have thought ‘master of dreams’ would be more into creative alterations.” She said the ‘master of dreams’ line with as much sarcasm as she could muster.

“Well when you’re an immortal being that controls a metaphysical force, change just becomes another mundane occurrence. Still I must admit, I do like this idea.” He waved his hand over the railing sending grains of shimmering green sand into the wind which settled into the ground wherever he intended. “Do you mind?” he asked gesturing at the glass dome above.

Nadiya watched the green sand and followed the sandman’s gesture upwards realizing that he was asking for rain this time. With a squeal of delight, she focused on the air in front of her and manifested another storm that rained down onto the newly waterproofed buildings. As the rain soaked into the sand, plant life burst forth from the green grains of sand Morpheus had sown moments ago. They both leaned forward and watched as the previously desolate sand sculpture grew into a beautiful and vibrant city. “So, how long until tomorrow?” asked Nadiya, it was a strange question but fitting for a strange realm like the sandman’s.

The sandman glanced at his watch. “Oh, tomorrow will be here in a just over a week relatively speaking.” Morpheus said this as matter-of-factly as someone reading a calendar to find the next Tuesday.

Nadiya sighed in exasperation, “But it’s been like four months already!” she complained. “Why does time suck so much in this place?”

“Time doesn’t suck in this place” countered Morpheus defensively. “It just takes getting used to dream time, which always runs faster than other places.” They had had this conversation many times before and Morpheus strained to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “Besides,” he said changing the subject, “I told you I would teach you more about the universe and give you the tools to help people, did you really think I could teach all that overnight?”

Nadiya understood his meaning but raised an eyebrow to make a point, “But it technically has been overnight?” she countered slyly.

Morpheus went to correct her but clearly not used to the simplicities of socialization after decades of solitude, he simply shrugged and said “Touché, I suppose you’ve got me there but I do have another job to do you know!”

“I know” she moaned, “and I do appreciate everything you’ve taught me but I’m ready to go now. I haven’t even eaten anything since getting here!” she protested. “Can’t I just leave and wait the last bit of timeout in the real world?”

It was a good point and one that they had, of course, already been over multiple times. The sandman sighed, “No, as much as I would like nothing more; I’m afraid we need to wait for…” He paused trying to consider what to call the creatures in question. “Let’s just say I need approval for you to return.”

“Approval?” Nadiya said with a digusted look, “Approval from who?”

“From me!” came an ominous voice behind them. Turning around they saw a lady in a royal blue dress enter the room. She had blue eyes and black hair in looping shoulder length braids common in the late 1800s. “Sorry to keep you waiting but there was a substantial amount of paperwork to finish up as we have had three separate awakenings and a rogue agent to deal with.” said the mystery woman. She scanned the room “I hope my absence wasn’t missed too much Mr. Havilah?” she smiled her brilliant white teeth at the sandman.

“Yeah!” snorted Morpheus, “I miss you like I miss bedbugs!” It was childish he knew but he hated his assistant, mostly because she was constantly escaping the dream traps he built to contain her. For years, he had tried to imprison her in a near never-ending looped dreamscape, but on one of her escapes she was discovered by his superiors and he was ordered to give hire the meddling girl as his assistant. Much to his dismay and her elation. “Hello Alice,” the sandman whined “please take Nadiya to the office to fill out the paperwork you…”

“What did you call me?” hissed the apparently not Alice.

“I mean Carol! Sorry I meant to say Carol!” Morpheus corrected uncharacteristically. Nadiya stared from Carol to the sandman trying to understand what was going on.

“So, Carol is like your maid or something?” Nadiya asked the sandman,

“Maid?” interrupted Carol, Morpheus sighed feeling a lecture pending from Carol. He leaned against a wall and waved his permission for Carol to continue while at the same time directing Nadiya’s attention to towards the pillar of blue self-righteousness. “I don’t know what Morpheus has been telling you but the truth is I spent centuries as his prisoner!”

Nadiya shot a shocked look at the sandman who simply shrugged and clarified, “It was about two weeks, real time.”

“He stripped me of my name and altered my memories through various demented dreamscapes, but I was too strong willed and escaped everytime.” Carol said triumphantly.

“How could you!” Nadiya spat at the sandman.

Again, he shrugged and replied “Carol has the unique ability to amplify forms of energy she’s subjected to. The memory loss was from lack of sleep since my powers didn’t work properly on her. I brought her here, just like you, to try and teach her how to use her natural talents to do good. Unfortunately, she met a man who was a writer after one of her escape attempts and told him her sleep deprived hallucinations of what happened. That’s why you have the Alice in wonderland stories.”

Nadiya, befuddled once more, looked at Carol who nodded emphatically verifying his story. “What about keeping her prisoner and why is she still here?” Nadiya inquired cautiously.

The sandman rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb, causing more magical sand to tumble down forming into a tiny horse drawn carriage that sped off into the hall. “Well,” he began, clearly not a fan of this particular story “I did try to imprison her shortly after that so she couldn’t accidently shred the dreams and memories of half the planet. I wrapped her in the most powerful magic I could muster and in a matter of months she shattered it.” Nadiya and Carol hung on every word as he wove the past into a story. “After that, I was punished for failing and…”

“And,” interjected Carol, “I became his permanent and immortal assistant, and lived happily ever after!”

“But how did she end up controlling her powers?” Nadiya said as she punched holes in their story.

“She’s not actually alive anymore Nadiya.” Sighed the sandman. “Not dead, but more dream sand and hope than an actual person.”

“Basically, I’m whatever the hell he is now!” countered Carol as Morpheus nodded.

“Well aren’t you just the happy couple.” Said Nadiya sarcastically; then turning to face Carol she said, “Anyway, what’s this about having a way out of this place?”

Carol smiled again and produced a suitcase from her own brighter sand, “I just have a few documents for you to sign.” With that she turned and waved Nadiya to follow her.

Nadiya looked at the sandman who smiled sympathetically at her, “You know there’s no paperwork for mastering imaginative force. We just give her those to keep her busy, and she really likes documents.”

Nadiya’s mouth dropped open, “But you said I could leave as soon as you got approval.”

The sandman smiled, “Indeed I did, have fun filling out the approval forms this week!” he started walking towards the hallway.

Nadiya was almost speechless at the realization, “A Week!!!” she screamed.

“Or just over a week!” he called over his shoulder as he headed opposite to where Carol would be. “I’ll come collect you when the others are ready, besides I need to have a little chat with Death about his new friend.”

With that Nadiya was left to a fate worse than death, bureaucracy. “Are you coming Nadiya?” called Carol. Nadiya scowled as bolts of lightning flashed in the distance behind her. With a sigh she decided to just get it over with and marched to her papercut filled doom as the rain began to pour.


To Be Continued….


Thanks for reading this (very rushed) story, I know it’s not my best but I promised myself I would post something once a week. As always let me know what you think and feel free to share (if my unseen errors don’t cause any aneurisms)


  1. S. Figment

A Hotel with Orange Jumpsuits

“Nicholas Umbra, you stand accused of the murders of two people, the theft of thousands of dollars in cash and valuables, breaking and entering, and a myriad of minor offensive outlined on page seven of the outlined charges against you. If found guilty you will face six life sentences for your recent and pass crimes, how do you plead?” The judge looked down on me with disgust as she awaited my reply. I stood up straight next to a defense lawyer who shook like a rattle as he held back the urge to soil himself out of fear.

To you I raise an eyebrow, as our audience follows my gaze in confusion, their inability to perceive you once again causing waves of doubt, confusion and fear to overtake them. “I plead guilty to all charges!” I shout back at the judge as I drop my recently escaped shackles on the table in front of me and make my way towards the exit. “Please hurry up! I don’t want to waste the rest of this week listening to the inane prattle of this ostensible legal system” I checked my new watch, or I should say my lawyer’s old watch, as a gaggle of grouchy guards surged after me.

“Not so fast Mr. Umbras! We are not done here as of yet!” The judge howled from her perch.

I spun on my heel to face the judge, spooking the guards into pulling their weapons and aiming them at my chest. “You may not be finished yet my dear aunt!” I shot back to the gasps and perplexed looks of my audience. “But as for me, I would rather be drawn behind a horse through fecal matter to be quartered than spend another second breathing the same air as the pitiful excuses for life that dare to judge me!”

My lawyer raised his hand nervously, then stuttered “Um, yo-your honour? As the d-defendant has already admitted to being guilty than if it pleases both him and the court we can in theory continue without him?”

My aunt, who’s attention had momentarily fallen upon my advocate, returned her attention to me with a look of profound disgust and disappointment, “Take my joke of a nephew to a holding cell and let’s get on with this!”

As the guards holstered their weapons and advanced forward once more I twisted my orientation back towards the exit as I pouted, “I know the way you imbeciles!” As the doors closed behind me I heard a roar of conversation erupt in the court room followed promptly by a gavel beating an innocent block of wood. ‘You know, for a civilized society they certainly support a lot of violent traditions, don’t you think?’ Of course, you don’t answer again, making me wonder if you are capable of thought or simply mindless voyeurism and judgement.

“Quit your muttering and get in the cell!” a guard pushed me down the hallway towards my holding cell. “Scum like you gets eaten alive in the supermax, now get in your cel-AHHHHHH!” he screamed as his arm snapped from my blow to his elbow. I threw him to his companions as I entered the cell and stretched out on the bed waiting for the show in the center ring to conclude upstairs.

The guards locked me inside and spit in my direction as all but two shuffled their injured leader off for some medical attention.  The two guards left stood at each end of the hallway trying to hide their fear of being left behind to guard my cage.

‘Hmm?’ I said raising an eyebrow at you, ‘you follow me into this confinement only to ask such a stupid question?’ You stare at me with determined curiosity and a trace of fear. I roll my eyes at your childishness but concede mostly out of boredom. ‘Fine, yes she is really my aunt and no we don’t get along.’ You gaze intently with more curious nonsense, ‘Because my mother is dead that’s why I hate her. I had to live with her for months and she was intent on raising me to be a proper upstanding citizen like the ones who had taken my mother from me. She is a hypocrite and a coward.’

I sigh at your sympathies, ‘Please refrain from pitying me, it is simply annoying. Besides without that time in captivity, I never would have become the man I am today. She lead me to my mentor, who taught me how to be the wild beast they fear today.’ I chuckled and laid back on the stiff mattress. ‘That’s enough questions you invisible creeper, now go stare at the guards or something while we await a more suitable cage for my purposes.’

Later that afternoon I got my wish and we were bundled up in more useless restraints and plopped into a cozy cell at the supermax facility outside of town in the mountains. I mean that literally too as the prison was actually carved into the mountain. My clothes and all my belongings had been removed and replaced with the standard orange jumpsuit of the prisoners. It even glowed in the dark to give the guards something easier to shoot.

As you may have guessed this wasn’t my first time in this particular prison and they had a special isolation cell designed just for me. I never understood exactly why I had earned such garnishments but suspected it may have something to do with my seven previous escapes. They took no chances, a mix of digital and human security measures kept a twenty-four-hour watch. A layer of six-inch-thick plexiglass separated me from the electrified bars that ran around all four sides and granite above and below. I loved it.

“You’re going to be here a long-time Mr. Umbras!” chortled the warden who had stopped by to see me to my new accommodations. “You may have found a way out before but this time we had this cell designed especially for you and there is no way you’re escaping’!”

I turned with a faux-shocked expression, “Warden, if I didn’t know better I would think that my humble release from this hell on seven earlier occasions, has somehow injured your pride?” his face glowed with red malevolence as he tried to gouge my eyes out with his stare alone. Then spun on his heel and hurried out barking orders to his many foot soldiers as he did.

‘Well that was a tad over dramatic don’t you think?’ I chuckled glancing in your general direction. ‘What? You think I was being petty sinking to his level?’ again you say nothing simply judging like the specter you are. With a malevolent grin I respond, ‘Well I don’t need your approval, for all I know you are nothing more than a conjuring of my own overactive imagination, besides we have work to do here so be patient and watch the show.’ With that I grab one of the books from the small library provided, Alice in wonderland, and I lean back in the provided chair to pass the time while I wait.

After a few hours, a guard came to deliver my dinner on a plastic tray. It was meatloaf, why was it always meatloaf? “Hi Fred, how is life going?” the guard ignored my friendly banter and continued with his tasks, checking the security systems and inspecting the cell thoroughly without opening the door. He smiled and nodded at the cage, then began to head towards the exit. As he slowly punched in his code to leave the secure room I couldn’t help myself, “Come back anytime Fred! And say hi to the red queen, the hatter, Tweedle-dee and Tweedledum, and the jabberwocky for me!” he slammed the door behind me and I returned to my wonderful book.

After stretching out on the bed I got ready to sleep when I felt your inquisitive gaze drilling into me once again. ‘What? Oh, you’re wondering why I’m just lying here if I’ve escaped so many times? Because my naïve companion, I am escaping! That’s all you’re getting from me for now but remember I’m not here because I enjoy it; which means I’m not leaving until I get what I want out of the inmates here.’ Hoping my explanation would satisfy you long enough to get some sleep I close my eyes and drift into a blissful sleep. You can say what you like about prisons, but the truth is, when you’re a sociopathic villain people are always out to kill you in some poetic fashion. The only time you can rest easy without worrying about an impending assassination attempt is when you’re locked away by just people who want to see you rot rather than die.

After a lovely evening, I awoke to Fred tapping insistently on my wall. He had another tray of food that he slid into the wall compartment, that allowed me access to a less than superb example of what one would consider breakfast. It oozed on the plate in what I assumed was meant to be scrambled eggs. The guard continued his usual inspection, thoroughly checking every possible scratch or imperfection as though they would provide the details of my entire escape plan. We all know that was impossible; well, maybe you don’t know that but everyone else in the room does. “So Fred, how did everyone react to my incarceration? Were they devastated with terror and sadness?”

Fred scowled at me and then, finishing his patrol, simply scolded, “Eat your breakfast.” He slammed and locked the exterior cell door showing his loathing. I picked up the plate of eggs and drained them into the toilet and left the plate to rinse clean in the sink for a moment. Returning to the tray I found a cheap bag of tea labeled Red’s and some toast from a loaf of white bread in which the crust seemed to have curled over the edge of the pan like the brim of a hat. I took a bite of the toast and got the tea ready in the cup of hot water provided. While the tea steeped, I checked on the plate to find the letters TDENTDM inlaid into the white paint in blue letters.

‘The service here is truly terrible don’t you think?’ I say distractedly, breaking the silence as I finish making my tea. You as always simply monitor my progress with your scrutiny. ‘Don’t worry, I’m beginning to adjust to your presence my mute friend. Besides, in a few hours I shall be leaving this place with the information I require.’

“I don’t know who you’re talking to but I think you’ll find that your little breakout schemes are doomed to fail!” chuckled the warden as he burst into the room. “Besides you have a guest, Miss Fanny will be conducting a complete psych evaluation.

“Apologies warden, I’d be delighted to entertain Miss Fanny for awhile.” I replied with a devilish grin.

He frowned and strode out of the room, obviously disappointed that I had acted like a gentleman rather than a demon. “Doc, you have ninety minutes and will be monitored the whole time. If you need anything just say so.”

“Thank you sire!” bubbled the young Miss Fanny who seemed excited about her new career. As the warden left locking us in she took a seat at a small desk provided in the corner and began unpacking her bag. “I must admit Mr. Umbras it is a true honor to be able analyze you like this!”

I notice you glancing from our guest to myself, ‘What’s the matter with you? Of course, we’re not dating!’

Miss Fanny’s face went ghostly white as she scanned the room and was about to say something when an alarm went off on her watch. Just then the lights flickered and the cameras ceased their sweep of the room. “Alright,” Miss Fanny exhaled in relief, “we only have about seven minutes, I already took care of the book, but we need to hurry!” She disassembled her bag pulling a symmetric vacuum sealed false bottom and sliding it into the food tray slot.

“What about my targets? Are they here?” I demanded as I tore open the package removing a simple lightweight change of clothes, a wig and a self-fitting mask. “I didn’t bring myself back to this hell simply for their culinary exploits Carol!” She shrank a bit under my barrage.

“Sorry sir, I know sir. Your informant found a few leads but most specifically Mr. Chapeau, Red Monarch and the twins are here.” Luckily despite her embarrassed state she kept working diligently setting up decoy impact sites along the wall with small explosives. “Four minutes left!” she exclaimed.

I quickly donned the mask and adjusted my posture and voice to suit the character I was about to portray. I quickly cut my finger as Carol did the same and we began to spread it believably over our faces. ‘I would warn you not to say a word but we both know that won’t happen!’ I spat at you, ‘But if you screw this up for me I swear I will dismantle reality itself to get my revenge are we clear?’ you nod with a gulp as the charade continues.

“Thirty seconds left sir!” Carol yelled, “A pleasure as always!” and with that she screamed as loud as she could, blowing the various explosive in the process. One large grouping of them dropped an air vent cover as she smiled and smashed her head forcefully against the wall. She crumpled to the ground and gave me a weak thumb up before passing out.

‘She’s a great assistant,’ I remark to you, ‘really have to admire her dedication to detail. Now if you’ll excuse me’. I walked over to the clear door and began banging as hard as I could, “Help! Help! Please you must help he’s getting away!”

I continued this for about a minute before the cameras buzzed to life and a gaggle of guards burst into the room followed by a red face warden who on the sight of me quickly rushed forward fumbling his keys to get me out. “Inspector! How did you get in here? I mean, I know how you got in but the cell?”

“Your man is good at escaping I think?” I responded with a hoarse and accented voice. “But please, we can discuss that later right now that young miss requires your attention.”

“Of course!” stammered the warden barking for two guards to attend to Miss Fanny. “We need to begin the hunt immediately before…”

“And I will lead this hunt!”  I interrupted. The warden looked as though he were about to object but the look on my face deflated any thoughts he may have had to the contrary. I quickly barked at a few guards to go and secure the facility while I made my way to one of the cell blocks.

Once we were there I glanced at the guards with me and instructed one to take the third floor and another to take the first while I focused my attention on the second. They quickly hurried off leaving me to head to my target. I passed by most of the cells in order to save time and I could honestly care less about their inhabitants for that matter; stopping only when I reached two cells side by side. “Monarch, Chapeau, Harry, and Ron, good to see you all again!” I said in my normal voice knowing full well that the surveillance equipment was currently having difficulties.

“Who the hell are you?” Demanded the twins in unison, “We ain’t never seen no stooge like you before?”

“Oh?” I replied coyly, “I tend to leave a very big shadow, I would have thought your memory would be better than that?”

“Umbras!” spat the Red Monarch “Listen about your mentor, we don’t know…”

I raised a hand cutting him off, then turning to you I quietly say ‘Please wait over there will you.’ The look of confusion on your face matches the concern of my caged audience. ‘I need to have a word with these gents and I would prefer it to be alone now scram.’ Hesitantly you back away and back up the walkway until you’re just out of earshot, which is perfect. A few moments later I attach two small boxes from my pockets to each cell and meet up with you once more. ‘Apologies but I don’t really trust you entirely, what if you were to somehow leak my plans and my evidence? Tipping off my future victim who so willfully slaughtered my mentor before I had a chance?’

I stride back the way I’d come and head towards the facility’s entrance. ‘Keep up and keep quiet up, we need to leave quickly before they catch on.’  At the entrance, we meet up with an now conscious Carol and the warden. “No sign of him I’m afraid,” I said depressively in my accented voice. “He can’t have left yet I’m sure we will meet up with him shortly. Unfortunately, I must depart as the premiere is patiently waiting my presence.”

Once again, the warden seemed to choke down his objections as he said, “Of course sir! Always a pleasure to have your assistance and I assure you we will easily capture and return Umbras to the cage you so graciously designed for us.”

With a curt nod, I smiled and we departed, carol and yourself keeping pace with me as we left towards a waiting car parked out front. I sat down heavily as Carol slid into the driver the seat next to me. “I can’t believe that worked sir!” she squealed giddily “Building your own maximum security cell and upgrading the prison’s security under an assumed identity! I mean it was AMAZING!”

“Thank you Carol, but amazing as it may be it was all for such occasions and now that we have a lead it’s time to do some more hunting.” I said as I removed the mask from my face.

“Oh my god! You got a lead!” she effervesced, “Who was it? Did they know? Did you torture them? Was there screaming?”

I listed the answers off on my fingers as the car drove, “Yes I have a lead. The lead isn’t the killer. No, I didn’t torture them. And no there was no screaming when I…” I was interrupted by an explosion behind us that shook the car slightly. “Well. Maybe a little screaming.”

Still bubbly as always Carol continued, “So boss, where are we off to now?”


With the malevolent grin of a free man once more I replied, “We are off to interrogate a Jabberwocky!”

Her eyes lit up with excitement, but then quickly dulled as she remembered something, “That’s great but I’m supposed to tell you that you owe Fred a bonus for overlooking those bombs back there. He says that was pushing it even by our standards.”

“True, but necessary. I’ll be sure to add a couple zeros to his pay check this month as compensation.” Fred really was one of my most loyal guards.



To be continued….


Thanks for reading this madness.

J. S. Figment


The above is dedicated to my cousin Andrew, who’s insight into the world of security and the legal system made my bastardization of everything he told me possible.